You are so Huuuuuu

Bismillaahi,

Sometimes I just wanna write. I turn on my laptop and start to write. But it is even not something that I could say as a good writing. All is about complains. I cant complain in my real life, verbally, so, writing is my best media to do it.

This time, I wanna complain about people. (as usual). Many of them are frustrated by their future luck. They forget if I am in front of them. Why do they pity their lives in fact it should be me who have to be pitied. They all have something to be offered. They can get what they want. But me ? It was like they were trying to hurt my dignity, slow but hard. 

Nobody knew but me. Ive opened hundreds even thousands. Ive got dozens rejection. One that could receive me is not in a right time. One who said yes said that he didn’t intentionally said yes. One who said yes went away like a wind blows. One who I though had a chance said I wasn’t real. One who I wished forever said I wasn’t in the list.

So what do you think about it? Do you still feel the worst, the most terrible person, the most hurt ? What about me ? Hundred times i sing those songs just to cheer my own life. When i cheer you up, actually i was talking to my self. But i dont feel as the worst, because there are many who are worse than me.

(My english is so terrible in this post and in the post before it. I was so lazy to care about grammars.) (I almost said sorry. . but i dont need to do that i guess)

A Drama in My Life

Bismillaahi,

"What are you doing here? This is not a good place for people like you. "

"It's okay, as long as the time."

Introduction Our starting small talk it through inbox. At that time, I was sitting in the second semester, first year in university. As a new soul "knows" the hijab after graduating high school, I was someone who was very unstable. Between the desire to be a better person, a negative response from family, loss of friends, and confusion due to lack of role model who could put me in a straight path, he comes. The withdrawal was traveling in the desert alone, a thirst for intense heat-biting, she came with a smile and provide drinking water release thirst and fatigue. As luck for me, she really came on at the right time, when the world is not on my side, like a wooden stick coming my way at the same time supporting the torch as a guide.

I originally created an account on a chat application to hone my English skills with strangers, accidentally saw her profile. Profile so "skyrocketed" and the religious. As a "new" know the Lord, I will question the existence in a place like that. Is not it better he went to the mosque? Wrestle with things smelling religion, rather than spend time talking to and fro with people she did not know physically. So without further thought, I sent you a private mail. And since then, we were more often spoken though not physically. Discussed many things, including curhatku about problems - troubles and how I envy habits - good habits.

Unexpectedly, less than 2 weeks, he expressed to me his favorite. The reason, he sees a strong desire in my heart to return to the right path. According to him, my heart yearned with kindness. And he wanted to be a part of it. Emphatically as he says, does not mean he wants to invite courtship, because he was against it. He just did not want to lie to her feelings. And promised to help me find a path that has faded in front of me, leading me to goodness, because she loves me. As a naive, I was very happy with the offer of help, although it is very difficult for me to say like him. I thought then, I need it and I have to accept a helping hand.

Time rolled on, coupled with the many religious books are sent to me, the more knowledge. I'm a tomboy, gradually began to wear skirts and look more feminine. Hijab became more dangling. Worship also improved. It was all under the "supervision". Accordingly, our conversations became more intense, affection calls with various forms began to take shape. In fact we had two meetings because of his seriousness to make me a companion. The desire to marry often thrown, even though we'd both been to college. At that time, our relationship is not just a friend, like the language of young people now, "relationship without status", or "friends but cordial."

We finally discuss both our closeness to each parent. Until when he was studying out of town, she wants to meet and know me ask me to stay in their home for 3 days. Likewise with my parents who wanted to know him, so he came home to stay in touch. In the eyes of both of them, we were lovers. Even when staying at his house, his mother had introduced me to their families, and they mean me as his girlfriend. Strong desire to marry was finally mounting and he ventured to speak to her parents and my parents to ask permission to step up to the altar. And the answer they're both the same, wait till both finished college and he got the job anyway. If counted, at least we have to wait 2 or 3 years.

Since the beginning I've felt there was something wrong with our relationship. Because somehow, even without a clear status, our relationship really like people who are dating. In fact, from the knowledge that I could at the time, there was no courtship in Islam. My heart was upset and felt very irresponsible with the newly flowing veil, and a new attitude is being repaired. Out there, along with my friends know through religious activities on campus, we often talk about how illicit relationship like that, defamation and adultery are forbidden by religion. However, behind it all, I got in touch with the opposite sex are either really going to be my destiny or not. Plus the assumption of both our large family, who both think we are lovers. At that time, my heart was really heavy burdened with a sense of hypocrisy.

Actually, at that time, his decision to marry into such a wonderful answer and remove guilt. However, that has not been given permission to four parents, and the expectation that the shadow must we go for 2 or 3 years, made me open my eyes. Question - the question began raging in my chest. "So have to wait 2 or 3 years? Is not that long enough? What will we do during the waiting? Every day like this? What if I died at that time? Is not love him as a good that he gave? Not to keep him like this, I have hurt him? "At that point, I intend to finish, but another question raging in my heart. "What I'm confident with my decision? What if he'll forget me? What if he'll be paired with? What if you later, I will not find someone like him again?. "

And finally, one day after grappling with that question, and I decided kumantapkan heart to end all this, with a belief in the destiny of Allaah ta'ala alone. That whatever I do, if Allaah wills we destined, it will still be married. If Allaah does not want us to be married, even though waiting for 3 years, then we would not be paired. That to get the good, should start with the good. Whereas, it is God who is aware of what is best for his people. And finally I will let him go, because I prefer the love of my Lord.

Hearing the decision to end our relationship, he was struck and repeatedly asked his mistake to me. And repeatedly told him, all for the good of all of us, to avoid libel and adultery heart. I told him, if indeed he meant it about the intention to marry and believe in fate Allaah, I ask him to come again 3 years later, when all was ready. During that time, I asked him not to call again, and to concern themselves with knowledge as well add me and wished only to Allaah ta'ala. If not, I let him go in order to find another companion were much better than me.

And actually, the hardest of all of this, is our family. Due to our large family already involved and aware of our relationship. And they hope that we stay together despite having to wait 3 years. But after I explained, they slowly turn over all of us, even if they are not sincere with my decision as well as him. For more than half a year, yet he was always diligent in touch though I ignored. I thought, one day he will be tired and understand that all of this is really for our own good.

And finally, all communication was completely cut off, he had not been contacted. Until one day, suddenly there was a foreign number calling. When I answered, it was him. He asked to speak with his mother, that's all over, as it turns out, has been continuously blaming her and thought she was the cause of our relationship ended. I told him that I've explained it many times, and I told him to be patient still explaining to his mother. And actually, as long as it did, her mother was frequently in touch, just say hello and my activity.

Not long ago the phone, I finally knew, was already there "successor" in his heart. Another woman somehow, he knew already for a few months. It is the answer when he stopped in touch, which initially I thought because he was sincere with my decision, but it was because he got my successor. Hearing that, deep down inside I'm very sad and angry. He knew I was an end to all this because we both wanted to save from the brink of adultery and slander and deeper. I wonder what was on his mind, but the man was very weak and it is not able to keep him in order not to get caught adultery and slander again. Once again he did with other women and this time also he wants to marry her. And of course, parents are not allowed, but because he was still in school and have not been able to provide, they still want their future with me. Hey brother, can not you be patient and restrain your passions?

I agree destiny Allaah. That we were not destined. I was already mengikhlaskannya. And after all, I am very grateful to him, for having extended his hand to me and grateful to God met me with him. He was part of the test that God gave me. And then I will pray the best for him and his family, may he soon finish school and get a good job. And hopefully, by qualifying from their parents can make it to get permission to marry the woman he loved. And hopefully, the parents let me go. Now, almost 4 years we really - really never communicate again. Because it is the best for us. And may all end up happy in the future. Amen. . . InshaaAllaah.

Warm Winter

Bismillaahi,

meet the winter -)

Be Brave Little One

Bismillaahi,

Truth sometimes becomes the hardest part to be acknowledged. It is often something that we dont wish to be. But, we live in a real life, right? So, knowing the truth will make us tough/brave to face the world. You know, real life is not always as beautiful as we "think" or "want" .

To make life to be as beautiful as we think and want, actually it is about how we look at it. Dreaming is not a wrong thing but we must put our logic sense also. This is a real life, not a lala land. There are many things that often bring us down. Being sad is normal. Being hurt is a risk. We may pull a long face and it is still fine.

It is a negative accumulation of our feeling as a human. the wrong thing is if you were trapped to those feelings and let them make you stuck in down low forever. We must move on our lives.

I always remember about a friend's advice when i was about losing my mind caused by a stupid problem. He said that "If you dont wanna get hurt. Then forget it. If you wanna forget it. Dont talk about it." . Wasnt he right? -) because i am agree with him. It is actually our own selves who make things get worse. We dont wanna think, but we keep talking about it. We want to forget, but doesnt let our mind free from thinking it. 

There was a movie that i already forget the title, but still remember the quote in one of its scene. She said "Pain is like a rock that i bring inside my pocket for my whole life. And I try to forget. I go out and meet many people and events. Yes, they make me forget about it for a while and sometimes a longer while. But when i put my hand inside my pocket, i found the rock. It is still there and never lost." 

Yes, this is a real life, the cruel one. -) . We never will really forget things, especially them who or which has given "special mark" in our life. A life book is like pieces of paper written with permanent ink. You will never be able to erase it. Just keep writing and move to the next pages with a new  or different stories. 

If you cant keep it by your self, you may share it. Sharing is not always to find a solution to overcome the problem. Sharing will at least ease the pain inside your heart. -) . Yes it is a pain without scratch. Nobody will see but feel. But after that, just let it be flat. Time will heal, sooner or later, but it will inshaaAllaah.

A friend is used to say to me "A cool girl doesnt cry. She wont let pain win over her. Every pain comes with a cure. A cool girl is a brave girl. Who will face the world with a steady step. She is always optimistic and positive even when there is no one to hold on" 

There would come a time, when happiness would do anything to always be on your side.-)

Be brave little one 

Make a wish for each sad little tear 

Hold your head up though no one is near 

Someone's waiting for you 

Don't cry little one 

There'll be a smile where a frown used to be 

You'll be part of a love that you see 

Someone's waiting for you 

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket 

And you're sure to see the light 

Soon, there'll be joy and happiness 

And your little world will be bright 

Have faith little one 

'til your hopes and your wishes come true 

You must try to be brave little one 

Someone's waiting to love you 

Always keep a little pray'r in your pocket 

And you're sure to see the light 

Soon, there'll be joy and happiness 

And your little world will be bright 

Have faith little one 

'til your hopes and your wishes come true 

You must try to be brave little one 

Someone's waiting to love you

What Is a Problem ? -)

Bismillaahi,

People are used to think that i am such a free minded person who has no problem at all. Because they see me as an indifferent person, who never take things hard...at least not as hard as them. Or maybe it looks like i am an arrogant person who ignore problems, and even other people's problems.

I wanna say a defense. lol

I do have problems. Well, only dead people who dont. It is just about how  i look at those problems. I dont share my problems. If I share, it might be only a lil part. Yes, that is true. But it looks ridiculous when i think about a problem that i am facing and then sharing it to others. Something which i thought as a big problem, becomes petty problem when i think about it over again. It is not only me who has such problem. Them who have same problem like me can overcome it well. And again, there are even many more people who have much bigger problems than mine. This conclussion came because at past i used to share about my problems also. lol

Just like this, Your problem is You lost your boyfriend because of other girl and you cant move on. You only lost him from your hand. There are many girls out there who lost his boyfriend for death and they move on their lives. What do you think  about it ?

Again, Your problem is you think that your parents dont love you and they love your sibling more. You wanna end up your life cause you think your Parents dont want you. There are many children out there who even dont have parents, never feel the warmt of love in a family, But they are struggling very hard to hold on their lives. What do you think about it ?

So, i think there's no big problem that i should think hard. I believe that any problem i have, there are many people out there who have much bigger problems than mine. So, just let it be flat.

And i am sorry when i use this thinking when dealing with your problems -D

Somebody's Old Man

Bismillaahi,

I saw him for the first time when we were heading to a shopping center. At that time, i didnt really notice. But when we were walking back to the parking area, my eyes caught him sitting behind a wall, next to the exit gate. He wore an old suit with a Sarung (a skirt usually used for the man to pray). He looked between trying to hold down his face and making his palm opened up. I wondered. . ."What's going on?" 

But i got the view soon after. That old man, He might be feeling embarrased that He had to be a Beggar in his Old years. When He should be sitting and living his times in peace. When he should feel the warmth of his family, not the hot of the sun burn his dark skin. He had to sit and asked care from other people that he even didnt know.

I dont know why he made me remember my own dad. I am so worried that i couldnt take care of them well in the future so he would end up like him (i really pray NO) . I couldnt do anything for that old man, just I prayed that he would always be healthy and people who loved him would be always around to take care of him. To be honest, i was so sad. -( . I was like blaming his family if they were really exist. They shouldnt let him do such thing -(. And i believed he did such "job" not because he wanted it. . .just the condition forced him to do so. -( .

He made me learn about my own self. He made me has more reason to always be blessed. That i always have plenty and my glass never empty. That i have warmth that i call home. That i am so lucky to be a 'me' . That I love my Parents and would do anything to not making them end up like him.

May Allah take care of you, dear Old Man. . .