Miss you

Bismillaahi,


Stay-Miley Cyrus

Well, it's good to hear your voice

I hope you're doing fine

And if you ever wonder,

I'm lonely here at night

I'm lost here in this moment and time keeps slipping by

And if I could have just one wish

I'd have you by my side

Oh, oh I miss you

Oh, oh I need you

And I love you more than I did before

And if today I don't see your face

Nothing's changed, no one can take your place

It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more than you did before

And I'm sorry it's this way

But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home

And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay

Well, I try to live without you

The tears fall from my eyes

I'm alone and I feel empty

God, I'm torn apart inside

I look up at the stars

Hoping you're doing the same

And somehow I feel closer and I can hear you say

Oh, oh I miss you

Oh, oh I need you

I love you more than I did before

And if today I don't see your face

Nothing's changed, no one can take your place

It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more than you did before

And I'm sorry that it's this way

But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home

And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay

Always stay

I never wanna lose you

And if I had to I would choose you

So stay, please always stay

You're the one that I hold onto

'Cause my heart would stop without you

I love you more than I did before

And if today I don't see your face

Nothing's changed, no one can take your place

It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more than you did before

And I'm sorry that it's this way

But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home

And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay

I'll always stay

And I love you more than I did before

And I'm sorry that it's this way

But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home

And if you ask I will stay, I will stay

I will stay

I miss you so much....miss you so bad....too miss you until cant breathe since tears keep blocking my throat. This huge ball is inside here. Hurts. . . Hearing your voice everyday doesnt worth anything. I wanna go home and hug you tight, hold your hands and never. . wont ever let it go. Sorry for all the egoism ive done. For the arrogance as if i knew the whole world...knew whats good for me. But really, i was just acting strong. Just wanna show you i know what i do with my life. . .i do make a mess.

..............

..............

Bismillaahi,

Knitting my daydream in here
Stepping on thousands of memories heaven
Finding your shadow there waiting for me

Is my heart still for you?
A century seconds have passed
Never wished anymore your presence back to me

As peace as ocean calming the wave
Why do you have to come again?
A shape of emotion unites two hearts
Appearing the long time promise
Can I deny forever?

Like an ocean is my restless
I block all the coming sounds
Giving meaning to your sincerely disguised eyes

How to act
Being a masked prince from your fairy world again

As peace as ocean calming the wave
Why do you have to come again?
A shape of emotion unites two hearts
Appearing the long time promise
Can I deny forever?

The Heart Learning

Bismillaah,

The event this day has reminded me to a story back in 2006...yes 8 years ago. That night..under the starry sky. I held up my head. Behind your back. Wishing for an unending night. Cause I knew..that time would be our last nite. A moment that I wouldn't have anymore if the dawn came up. And I would never forget too...the time when I had finally realised, this kind of story would never be on my side.

It was like a blue night for me...my unrequited love. Someone who never looked at me as a prescious story. The time when I said to my self to not easily give my heart to any man I saw.

Like today. Under the blue sky and a long long road. Behind your back. Hoping for a slow time rolling. A longer n never ending time. I felt like the moment 8 years ago came suddenly before my eyes...n successfully stole away my smiling face. Before this time, I kept reminding my self...my heart for sure...to stop, to prevent...to just being an ice mount. But I am failed. It flows like a flood. I try n try n try to make a big gate. A thick wall. But all seems to be useless. I can't stop it. I can't help falling in heart.

I cried silently. I...who watch you from a far place and from a silence...felt so hurted. Why I keep being like this many times. Why my heart never learned. Why this heart is such a stubborn head. Why?
Why I keep doing this even if I know that the end is already clear. It will always be me who be hurt.

But then I learn. This is how life touches me. This is something that I already have given up. Its a useless effort since I will always feel the same thing to different ppl with same ending again and again.

Now I've learned.

I can't always stop or prevent things like this to not be happened. I just have to receive it. I learn to live this kind of feeling. To be hurt. Cause I am a human who love to love.

In fact...it won't be long and another person will always come to replace every persons place who come to me.

This is life. There are things that can't always be fought for. And we sometimes...just have to give it up...cause it just has to...

You Gave Up on Us

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdZR5Z5LUpQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Weird

Bismillaah,

Isn't it weird knowin that all the good ones near us are taken already?
I feel like so pathetic. What I can do is only keep calm and act like I am fine with the things.

There always be one left for every one too...rite? At least that's what I believe this far.

not my home

Bismillaah,

And finally, I turned it off.

For me, a home, is a place where i feel comfortable. It is not always in physical form like the real house building. It can be anything as far as i feel i belong to it. Friendship, Love, Society are also things i am used to calling as "home". When i feel my home is no longer a place where i feel comfortable, i will tend to pull my self away. And many people do the same too, right? Or maybe only me, since i am a "run away" girl. lol.

That was also the reason i deactivated my social media account. I dont feel comfortable anymore there. It has hurt my eyes. Not literally hurting my eyes, but it has made me sick..here..in the heart. I feel so bad since i  got this sickness. I dont wanna be like this. I dont wanna make them to be the reason of this pain. I am only a human with a weak heart, what can i do? i feel the jealousy, what can i do?

I am 25 with nothing to be proud of, isnt it something that can be an excuse that i feel so much pain when watching those achievements? I am happy for them...really i am happy sincerely...but deep in this heart, there lies a wound without a scratch. A wound which i made cause i could not do what i should do as a normal human. A human who lives in society, in this world. I am sad. And nobody would (i dont need them to do too) care about it. Astaghfirullaah.

It was just so much crowd out there and i really hate to be around. 

I am tired to ensure my self everything is just going to be fine. There would be my turn. And i am growing to be more pessimistic person rather than the optimistic one. My life. It feels like stops here.....

What i need most is a help.

Help me.

mrs J

Bismillaahi,

Is it a jealousy? But A jealousy for a good thing is normal and even a must...right?
Then call me a jealous girl and let me ask forgiveness from my Allah ta'ala for feeling this.
I pity my self, my weaknesses.

My Wedding Invitation wannabe

Bismillaahi,

What do you think of it? I was just thinking about making my own edited wedding invitation. Which i dont know when will be happened. lol. I wish to have the simple one yet not like the common one. More exclusive or maybe not using the common color like what we are used to finding. But yeah..i am a beginner, so..its not surely like what i wanna have.

This is the front part. I am thinking about eliminating the flowers next to the addressee.

Here is the inside part. I dont know what to write..lol..but the background should be like this. Maybe too simple or confusing?? hmm...i dont know too. -P

And the last is the back part. I tried to make it still in the same pattern with the previous parts.

Maybe i just have to go to a wedding organizer and ask them to do it..hhaa...it looks like i mess them up -P. The more i look at them..the more it feels like a birthday party invitation rather than wedding party invitation. Or like a card sent to say "Get Well Soon"..hhaaa -D

But if i can say about what i really want about my future wedding invitation is that it must stay on simple form. Not so big and not too small too.. just the regular size which looks at the functional side more than the luxury factor. You know...wedding invitation will only end up in the trash..hhaa..so i just dont wanna waste money on it. Since the wedding is not only about me and maybe my friends..but also for my parents friends..so it has to keep its formality too. Something which is not so "cheap" since i wanna keep it in simple form, but something "Simple yet priceless"

Does it look a lil bit creepy that i make something that hasnt yet happened?? or maybe idk when will be happened?? T,T But really the idea was just came up in second and i directly worked on the card. I was really only editing it since the colors and the ornaments were taken from google..lol..

Btw,,that pink thing..that was my fashdisk..i was trying to cover up the dates and the groom family..hhaa..i put it in random, just dont wanna make ppl think much about it.

Ok then...see ya. -))

Not My Playground

Bismillaahi,

There might be only one mad guy and i have passed him by. I left him and closed his story. A kind of person who would never find me anymore, or i would not. I really don't know since it is part of the future, the mysterious one . Those people, nobody who came to me first or found me in this very busy life. I found them and let them entered my life. Until one by one had gone by.

There were two boys who ever asked me to go out which other people thought as part of dates. But they were wrong. The first boy picked me up and he brought me with his motorbike. My parents had a wrong perception at that time. They thought it was a date, since there were rarely never a boy came to home and took me out. But, that boy, whom i ever gave my heart to when in hs, only asked me to accompany him to find a gift for his girlfriend. He said, only girl knew what another girl really wanted. -)). I was just saying yes, cause there wasn't any reason to say a no even if i wanted to.

The second one, it was a different boy, he picked me up and my friend saw this. She thought we were goin to have a date since it was a sat nite. But the truth, he was having a problem with his gf, which was my close friend. Did i have to say a no? I couldnt, although it was making wrong opinion to others.

But it was a disappointment for them when found out what they were thinking was not right.

Ahh..but i got used to be someone like this. A person whom never been loved for who i am. There was only one guy and i left him cause i was too young to understand the meaning of lonesome. The meaning of parents wish. The meaning of future. I ever said to my self that i would never regret it. I was doing the right thing cause i believe it was what He asked me to do.

But now...i feel like regret it and i must ensure my self, nothings worth to be regretted.

Since the experiences i had in my past were not the good one. I tried to through the right way.

And it was still the same, so many rejections, like i were nobody worth to be loved. They hurt my dignity and now I have lost all of my confidence.

I cant see or guess the life in front of me, it is like it stops here.

That is why i was wondering why do they are people in this world who still feel like i am something that can harm their love life. I have nothing to offer. Even to start one, is now becomes like a nitemare that haunts me everytime i close my eyes.

I wish my life were a movie, like that movie. A girl is who used to closing her self from the outside world. Feeling happy to be in her room and not comfort when people are around. But still some men saw and notice her existence and gave her their hearts.

But it is a real life, right?

and this real life is not my playground. . .

Where it all comes from

Bismillaahi,

My Own Sky.

I got this name when in a morning after a hard rain the night before, i went out to the yard. I looked up to the sky and was feeling so amazed with the view i got.

It was a bunch of clouds. The white one. Looked like a field of lambs running around peacefully. With the very bright blue sky behind it, and the cool wind blew nicely. I then started to believe that those people said the right.

To a get a beautiful rainbow, we must feel a little rain. To erase the dark, we just have to through the night till the dawn comes. To get a beautiful blue sky with the white clouds, we just have to let the heavy rain at the night before go. And because of that. I wanna have my own sky. No matter how hard things i get in my life, i always believe that it is just part of the road to the real happiness. No matter what i think or want, i just have to shout it out loud and i wont be worry about anything. How i feel, what i think...everything will be just fine. Cause here...it is my own sky. -)))

Oh btw... vadove ti porta il cuore..it means, go wherever your heart brings. -))) I think i dont have to explain it. -))

The Reflection

Bismillaahi,

Sometimes, i feel like i can see my self inside somebody's eyes. Not part of the reflection of my eyes watching on it. But it goes deeper than that. A part of me which i am hard to describe, is just standing over there. No matter how far this person is, or even if i havent ever really meet him in person, it is just like i saw my self on the mirror. Those people are the mirror, who tell me what i look like, how i am, etc. Yes, I knew it was me inside their eyes. But still the truth, i havent meet or seen my self directly. Just like those people who meet and interact with us.

Isnt it a little bit strange that we let other people see us, but we..who own this body and soul, is the one who cant. That is why i am always curious about how people look at me. No matter if it is about a good thing or a bad thing. People will always make the judgement, right? just them who give it a second chance that let the first impression doesnt judge all the things happen after that. And i wanna be that kind of person too. At least i am trying to be. It is just too unfair if we let things that come from our sides becomes the only one who decides it. Let them show us who they are. The decission is only whether to let people in or not, so they can listen more about us. But i dont know if it is something important or not, cause i know people who dont think we are important, wont try to listen us too. 

And it is not only me who feel the same, right? We all just the same after all. 

This blog, i made it to let out my mind. It is like i open the door i used to close. To let people know a little bit part of me. But i soon realize i was doing stupid things. Nobody would really care about it. hhaa... So, i am back to where i used to be. So, although nobody cares, i still open this door. And after this door is only a confusing labirin. Like an unorganized library. Make others feel to as soon as possible to leave the building.

But no matter what...i am like standing in front of the mirror, saying to my self "dont be sad dear my self. I am the one who will always love you although sometimes i hesitate it, but i am the one who stand by you forever."

..

Bismillaahi,

For some people, what i really wish to get in this life is not a worth dream. Some of them said that we just have to walk on the path and somehow it will lead us to that point. Easy to say right?

I begin to think that every failure i got this far is not because i cant. It was like i did something that i didnt really want.

Time wont wait. I see the fear on my parents eyes. In the time when they should put their fear on my future, i keep being unfaithful. What i need now is only a help. And only to Allaah ta'ala i could ask for.

Mission Accomplished !

Bismillaahi,

Hollaaa folks! It's quite a bit long time that i didn't post anything here (my bad) and might be some of you wondering where i were these days ! ( Pretending like i had thousands readers! lol). Last time i posted something far from clear..lol.. it was just because i got a new phone and tried the phone browser to log in here and wrote something. But it was so difficult since this lovely blog was too heavy for my latest phone series. lol. Then just leave it and back to topic i am excitedly wanna tell you about. Here it goes....^^

It was around last year that i was so overwhelmed by the colors of some beautiful cookies and cakes. I patiently waited the chance to experience them one by one and yeah that is true...i finally got the chances. ^^

I am used to saying my self to never judge a book by its cover but as you have might guess.. those beautiful things are not really my cup of tea.

So the beautiful cakes n cookies i mean are Macaroons, Red velvet cake and Rainbow cake. Hehhee...you might have guessed them if you followed my blog update (again..pretending like had many blog fans..lol )

My first cake was rainbow cake..i experienced it three times or maybe more and no one felt like what i was thinking..yes, i had a high expectation -__-. To be honest..they were just good, but i wished to get different taste for every different layer or at least, tasted like lemon. But they were not...

So here are pics i took...

1. This is the box.. so it's a yes..i bought it in Baker's King. Kinda remind me of Korean drama's title..hhee

2. This was when i unboxed it. Sorry ive taken some bites ..lol..just a bit excited -P

3. This one is from Dika Bakery.. Usual taste..But i like their ornaments. The icing sugar was in blueberry flavor. Sweet ^^

4. This is the pic when my mom n i went to baker king again. They had the macaroon banner but hadn't launched it in the store. So i got some donuts there. But jut look behind it..hhaaa...thats a big macarooon !

5. Again..i went back to Baker King which now named as...Sofie Souffle something...hhaa..i forgot the new name already and idk why they changed the name O.o. I went there for macaroons with my sister. But then She, who treated me...asked me sweetly..lol..."Have u ever tasted the red velvet one?"..ahaaa...i just directly said..nooooo...then she changed mind and bought both red velvet and macaroons. Ahh..so lovely sistaaaa <3. 

The red velvet...if i closed my eyes and just giving score by tongue..i would think it was rainbow cake. lol. They basically had same flavors..like vanilla. Just the colors differed them..

Ok then this was the macaroons. We took the vanilla and lemon flavors. I never thought that the taste was just very familiar. Like an old biscuit we used to eat when in elementary..hhaa..

Do you recognize the biscuits above?? We call it button biscuit. (They seem to be alike with real button right? lol).. btw I took the pic from http://twitpic.com/11s48x/full

The taste exactly like that colorful things on top of the biscuits just a  lil bit more moist..hhaa...maybe for the icing was made from the same thing...egg white, and made to be like meringue. It was just my self who was wrong cause i thought with the addition of almond flour would make a big difference,,but it was not that much big ..lol

So..those were my experienced with the things i was always curious about -P. Maybe i would give another go with them,,idk still..lol..just i never stop giving another chance to try new things ^^

_missionaccomplished_

ours

Bismillaahi, it is  hard. i am trying to post a writing to this blog O.o

am i that desperate ?

Bismillaahi,

It's ok. . .it's ok. . . all is fine. . .

almost a quarter century

Bismillaahi,

Some years ago when i was in my first year of university, i ever asked a friend. She was just turn 24 and i was wondering how it felt to be 24. She said it was just so so. And then i also asked my mom about how it felt when being 50. I also asked my Dad how to be 54. All said that they didnt think it. It was just numbers. But they are right, at last Age is only numbers. What we have done during those ages is the most important thing. 

And this April last, i will get my new age. 25. It's a mature age, isnt it ? And i questioned my self. What I have done in my life for almost 25 years.

When i was in my first year of junior high, i found a magazine with an article about some famous university names in UK. At that time, i teared the pages and saved it. It became one of my dream. I had a dream to be there and schooled there. I imagined if i sat on the senior high, i would get a scholarship or joining a student exchange and be somewhere in Europe or USA. And then i could study in one of the famous university. It was such a sweet dream at that time until i realized that i didn't do anything to make my dreams come true, and it became a real fake daydream since then. I was just following the system until now. Even in my almost a quarter century, i feel like i was just a day dreamer. No achievement that i could reach until now. 

Time flies by like a blink of eyes. I regretted all the past time i had. But life wheel always moves forward, it never looks back. So does my life. I remember these two little kitties were just about my grasp's size some months ago. And now they have been gaining weight and hard to be lifted. Life seems to to much faster for them, right. -)) But it's from our POV. .

B said that time gets shorter along with our age. When we were just one, one year feels like a year. When 10, it feels like 10 % of the feeling that we feel when we were a year old baby. and now when almost 25 life even gets so much shorter than i have felt before. No wonder that when i was in elementary, i felt like everything and every time walked so slow. And after i graduated and being in my junior, then senior, then in college, all feels like just a blink now. 25 years of living is really so fast. And the time for being like my mom and my dad's age is also so near.

I still have many dreams left, i still have many hopes, 25 years (if Allaah gives me his will). .


I hope to be a better person, to make my family happy, to make my Allaah happy,,inshaaAllaah.

Fighting !! ^^9

a listener

Bismillaahi,

People always need to be listened. Yes, not only to be heard. And it is so nice to be their listener. 

Yesterday i talked to a stranger whom i even didnt look at nor count. He said that it was so hard to find people who when we talked to, we felt good. He said, i was one of them. -) Not tobe high, no, really. As if i knew all what people wanted and wished . . .just sometimes we have to be a good listener.

Today, my mom also talked to me. While we were going to the market and felt tired, we took a seat and had a lunch. It was started after we were talking about one of our realtive who seemed to be facing a hard time with her marriage. Well, she married in a very young age (for today). And then i asked her, "Did you have that hard time also ?"

And then she started to talked about her early life. .  .Things that i have never thought before that my mom and dad would face. She told me with eyes filled with tears. I felt like wanna hug her and said a big thanks for being a strong mom and wife. For not giving up, until now. Her life and my family were so hard. And the   most impressing thing is my bro sist and i even never felt that. How much pain that they have kept all alone and still smile in front of me and my siblings. And now i know. . .

Suddenly i felt so sorry for all ive done to them..that they had been doing all the things to make this family last  until now and on.

I listen and i understand. 

My Heart Jumps !!!

Bismillaahi,


Subhanallaah, i dont have any other word to describe the beauty !! Allaah is the one who created it !!

My heart jumps >,< !! . .it is too breathtaking !! I used to think that New Zealand is the most virgin and beautiful place in earth !!! but Bosnia has flattered me . . .

trex brought me there and it was such a wonderful thing !!

I dont know how those terrible past ever happened in this Earth's part. They are too beautiful to be hurt >,<

Check this out !! and do you agree with me ? U should ! lol

 Sunset view in Sarajevo. Its wonderful !! Subhanallaah. A mountainous City is Great !!

This pic has stolen my heart ! Una River !!

Heh ? -O

Naretva River !! I can see those under water !!

I imagine Grizzelies there !! lol

Una river is wonderful !

City Park? When will we have that also lol

Yes, thats a Masjid in Old Town. I wanna go there >,<

The river. . .ohhhh >,<

I love the Snowww !!!

It reminds me of my friend Marija. She said she hates snow on her house roof ! haha. . its beautiful like a cake lol. Sorry Marija, u should live in Indonesia to tell that snow is amazing ! lol

Winter is in the City !

Wanna pray here -)

Its a river or a lake ? lol so clear water

Cold Stream

Like in Villas lol

Wanna go skiing ?? -D

Una river on winter, like in a fairy land . I see hobits there ! lol

A laaakeee soooo cleeearrr >,< !!

It is a resort, so unique !

Beautiful islands and gulf? and a rainbow for the bonus = perfect !

watermills . . .so great >,<

This is neretva river on the side of road. Really Subhanallaah !

Ok, What i learn about Bosnia is 

1. There are many masjids since at past it was part of Ottoman Caliph also -D

2. Many many rivers with clear water. Really like no garbage at all !! so virgin !

3. Many mountains also, and they are wonderful !

4. The architectures of the buildings are awesome. Like typical of old buildings in Europe. Calming !

5. I finally know that Snow there is very thick ! So i can understand you, Marija ! lol

6. I fall in love to Una and Neretva River !

7. Bosnian language is really. . .hhaha. . .i am even not sure can read it well

8. I wanna go there someday !

9. I LOVE YOU !

10. I should stop writing now cause i will not stop uploading if keep talking. lol