You are so Huuuuuu

Bismillaahi,

Sometimes I just wanna write. I turn on my laptop and start to write. But it is even not something that I could say as a good writing. All is about complains. I cant complain in my real life, verbally, so, writing is my best media to do it.

This time, I wanna complain about people. (as usual). Many of them are frustrated by their future luck. They forget if I am in front of them. Why do they pity their lives in fact it should be me who have to be pitied. They all have something to be offered. They can get what they want. But me ? It was like they were trying to hurt my dignity, slow but hard. 

Nobody knew but me. Ive opened hundreds even thousands. Ive got dozens rejection. One that could receive me is not in a right time. One who said yes said that he didn’t intentionally said yes. One who said yes went away like a wind blows. One who I though had a chance said I wasn’t real. One who I wished forever said I wasn’t in the list.

So what do you think about it? Do you still feel the worst, the most terrible person, the most hurt ? What about me ? Hundred times i sing those songs just to cheer my own life. When i cheer you up, actually i was talking to my self. But i dont feel as the worst, because there are many who are worse than me.

(My english is so terrible in this post and in the post before it. I was so lazy to care about grammars.) (I almost said sorry. . but i dont need to do that i guess)

A Drama in My Life

Bismillaahi,

"What are you doing here? This is not a good place for people like you. "

"It's okay, as long as the time."

Introduction Our starting small talk it through inbox. At that time, I was sitting in the second semester, first year in university. As a new soul "knows" the hijab after graduating high school, I was someone who was very unstable. Between the desire to be a better person, a negative response from family, loss of friends, and confusion due to lack of role model who could put me in a straight path, he comes. The withdrawal was traveling in the desert alone, a thirst for intense heat-biting, she came with a smile and provide drinking water release thirst and fatigue. As luck for me, she really came on at the right time, when the world is not on my side, like a wooden stick coming my way at the same time supporting the torch as a guide.

I originally created an account on a chat application to hone my English skills with strangers, accidentally saw her profile. Profile so "skyrocketed" and the religious. As a "new" know the Lord, I will question the existence in a place like that. Is not it better he went to the mosque? Wrestle with things smelling religion, rather than spend time talking to and fro with people she did not know physically. So without further thought, I sent you a private mail. And since then, we were more often spoken though not physically. Discussed many things, including curhatku about problems - troubles and how I envy habits - good habits.

Unexpectedly, less than 2 weeks, he expressed to me his favorite. The reason, he sees a strong desire in my heart to return to the right path. According to him, my heart yearned with kindness. And he wanted to be a part of it. Emphatically as he says, does not mean he wants to invite courtship, because he was against it. He just did not want to lie to her feelings. And promised to help me find a path that has faded in front of me, leading me to goodness, because she loves me. As a naive, I was very happy with the offer of help, although it is very difficult for me to say like him. I thought then, I need it and I have to accept a helping hand.

Time rolled on, coupled with the many religious books are sent to me, the more knowledge. I'm a tomboy, gradually began to wear skirts and look more feminine. Hijab became more dangling. Worship also improved. It was all under the "supervision". Accordingly, our conversations became more intense, affection calls with various forms began to take shape. In fact we had two meetings because of his seriousness to make me a companion. The desire to marry often thrown, even though we'd both been to college. At that time, our relationship is not just a friend, like the language of young people now, "relationship without status", or "friends but cordial."

We finally discuss both our closeness to each parent. Until when he was studying out of town, she wants to meet and know me ask me to stay in their home for 3 days. Likewise with my parents who wanted to know him, so he came home to stay in touch. In the eyes of both of them, we were lovers. Even when staying at his house, his mother had introduced me to their families, and they mean me as his girlfriend. Strong desire to marry was finally mounting and he ventured to speak to her parents and my parents to ask permission to step up to the altar. And the answer they're both the same, wait till both finished college and he got the job anyway. If counted, at least we have to wait 2 or 3 years.

Since the beginning I've felt there was something wrong with our relationship. Because somehow, even without a clear status, our relationship really like people who are dating. In fact, from the knowledge that I could at the time, there was no courtship in Islam. My heart was upset and felt very irresponsible with the newly flowing veil, and a new attitude is being repaired. Out there, along with my friends know through religious activities on campus, we often talk about how illicit relationship like that, defamation and adultery are forbidden by religion. However, behind it all, I got in touch with the opposite sex are either really going to be my destiny or not. Plus the assumption of both our large family, who both think we are lovers. At that time, my heart was really heavy burdened with a sense of hypocrisy.

Actually, at that time, his decision to marry into such a wonderful answer and remove guilt. However, that has not been given permission to four parents, and the expectation that the shadow must we go for 2 or 3 years, made me open my eyes. Question - the question began raging in my chest. "So have to wait 2 or 3 years? Is not that long enough? What will we do during the waiting? Every day like this? What if I died at that time? Is not love him as a good that he gave? Not to keep him like this, I have hurt him? "At that point, I intend to finish, but another question raging in my heart. "What I'm confident with my decision? What if he'll forget me? What if he'll be paired with? What if you later, I will not find someone like him again?. "

And finally, one day after grappling with that question, and I decided kumantapkan heart to end all this, with a belief in the destiny of Allaah ta'ala alone. That whatever I do, if Allaah wills we destined, it will still be married. If Allaah does not want us to be married, even though waiting for 3 years, then we would not be paired. That to get the good, should start with the good. Whereas, it is God who is aware of what is best for his people. And finally I will let him go, because I prefer the love of my Lord.

Hearing the decision to end our relationship, he was struck and repeatedly asked his mistake to me. And repeatedly told him, all for the good of all of us, to avoid libel and adultery heart. I told him, if indeed he meant it about the intention to marry and believe in fate Allaah, I ask him to come again 3 years later, when all was ready. During that time, I asked him not to call again, and to concern themselves with knowledge as well add me and wished only to Allaah ta'ala. If not, I let him go in order to find another companion were much better than me.

And actually, the hardest of all of this, is our family. Due to our large family already involved and aware of our relationship. And they hope that we stay together despite having to wait 3 years. But after I explained, they slowly turn over all of us, even if they are not sincere with my decision as well as him. For more than half a year, yet he was always diligent in touch though I ignored. I thought, one day he will be tired and understand that all of this is really for our own good.

And finally, all communication was completely cut off, he had not been contacted. Until one day, suddenly there was a foreign number calling. When I answered, it was him. He asked to speak with his mother, that's all over, as it turns out, has been continuously blaming her and thought she was the cause of our relationship ended. I told him that I've explained it many times, and I told him to be patient still explaining to his mother. And actually, as long as it did, her mother was frequently in touch, just say hello and my activity.

Not long ago the phone, I finally knew, was already there "successor" in his heart. Another woman somehow, he knew already for a few months. It is the answer when he stopped in touch, which initially I thought because he was sincere with my decision, but it was because he got my successor. Hearing that, deep down inside I'm very sad and angry. He knew I was an end to all this because we both wanted to save from the brink of adultery and slander and deeper. I wonder what was on his mind, but the man was very weak and it is not able to keep him in order not to get caught adultery and slander again. Once again he did with other women and this time also he wants to marry her. And of course, parents are not allowed, but because he was still in school and have not been able to provide, they still want their future with me. Hey brother, can not you be patient and restrain your passions?

I agree destiny Allaah. That we were not destined. I was already mengikhlaskannya. And after all, I am very grateful to him, for having extended his hand to me and grateful to God met me with him. He was part of the test that God gave me. And then I will pray the best for him and his family, may he soon finish school and get a good job. And hopefully, by qualifying from their parents can make it to get permission to marry the woman he loved. And hopefully, the parents let me go. Now, almost 4 years we really - really never communicate again. Because it is the best for us. And may all end up happy in the future. Amen. . . InshaaAllaah.

Warm Winter

Bismillaahi,

meet the winter -)

Be Brave Little One

Bismillaahi,

Truth sometimes becomes the hardest part to be acknowledged. It is often something that we dont wish to be. But, we live in a real life, right? So, knowing the truth will make us tough/brave to face the world. You know, real life is not always as beautiful as we "think" or "want" .

To make life to be as beautiful as we think and want, actually it is about how we look at it. Dreaming is not a wrong thing but we must put our logic sense also. This is a real life, not a lala land. There are many things that often bring us down. Being sad is normal. Being hurt is a risk. We may pull a long face and it is still fine.

It is a negative accumulation of our feeling as a human. the wrong thing is if you were trapped to those feelings and let them make you stuck in down low forever. We must move on our lives.

I always remember about a friend's advice when i was about losing my mind caused by a stupid problem. He said that "If you dont wanna get hurt. Then forget it. If you wanna forget it. Dont talk about it." . Wasnt he right? -) because i am agree with him. It is actually our own selves who make things get worse. We dont wanna think, but we keep talking about it. We want to forget, but doesnt let our mind free from thinking it. 

There was a movie that i already forget the title, but still remember the quote in one of its scene. She said "Pain is like a rock that i bring inside my pocket for my whole life. And I try to forget. I go out and meet many people and events. Yes, they make me forget about it for a while and sometimes a longer while. But when i put my hand inside my pocket, i found the rock. It is still there and never lost." 

Yes, this is a real life, the cruel one. -) . We never will really forget things, especially them who or which has given "special mark" in our life. A life book is like pieces of paper written with permanent ink. You will never be able to erase it. Just keep writing and move to the next pages with a new  or different stories. 

If you cant keep it by your self, you may share it. Sharing is not always to find a solution to overcome the problem. Sharing will at least ease the pain inside your heart. -) . Yes it is a pain without scratch. Nobody will see but feel. But after that, just let it be flat. Time will heal, sooner or later, but it will inshaaAllaah.

A friend is used to say to me "A cool girl doesnt cry. She wont let pain win over her. Every pain comes with a cure. A cool girl is a brave girl. Who will face the world with a steady step. She is always optimistic and positive even when there is no one to hold on" 

There would come a time, when happiness would do anything to always be on your side.-)

Be brave little one 

Make a wish for each sad little tear 

Hold your head up though no one is near 

Someone's waiting for you 

Don't cry little one 

There'll be a smile where a frown used to be 

You'll be part of a love that you see 

Someone's waiting for you 

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket 

And you're sure to see the light 

Soon, there'll be joy and happiness 

And your little world will be bright 

Have faith little one 

'til your hopes and your wishes come true 

You must try to be brave little one 

Someone's waiting to love you 

Always keep a little pray'r in your pocket 

And you're sure to see the light 

Soon, there'll be joy and happiness 

And your little world will be bright 

Have faith little one 

'til your hopes and your wishes come true 

You must try to be brave little one 

Someone's waiting to love you

What Is a Problem ? -)

Bismillaahi,

People are used to think that i am such a free minded person who has no problem at all. Because they see me as an indifferent person, who never take things hard...at least not as hard as them. Or maybe it looks like i am an arrogant person who ignore problems, and even other people's problems.

I wanna say a defense. lol

I do have problems. Well, only dead people who dont. It is just about how  i look at those problems. I dont share my problems. If I share, it might be only a lil part. Yes, that is true. But it looks ridiculous when i think about a problem that i am facing and then sharing it to others. Something which i thought as a big problem, becomes petty problem when i think about it over again. It is not only me who has such problem. Them who have same problem like me can overcome it well. And again, there are even many more people who have much bigger problems than mine. This conclussion came because at past i used to share about my problems also. lol

Just like this, Your problem is You lost your boyfriend because of other girl and you cant move on. You only lost him from your hand. There are many girls out there who lost his boyfriend for death and they move on their lives. What do you think  about it ?

Again, Your problem is you think that your parents dont love you and they love your sibling more. You wanna end up your life cause you think your Parents dont want you. There are many children out there who even dont have parents, never feel the warmt of love in a family, But they are struggling very hard to hold on their lives. What do you think about it ?

So, i think there's no big problem that i should think hard. I believe that any problem i have, there are many people out there who have much bigger problems than mine. So, just let it be flat.

And i am sorry when i use this thinking when dealing with your problems -D

Somebody's Old Man

Bismillaahi,

I saw him for the first time when we were heading to a shopping center. At that time, i didnt really notice. But when we were walking back to the parking area, my eyes caught him sitting behind a wall, next to the exit gate. He wore an old suit with a Sarung (a skirt usually used for the man to pray). He looked between trying to hold down his face and making his palm opened up. I wondered. . ."What's going on?" 

But i got the view soon after. That old man, He might be feeling embarrased that He had to be a Beggar in his Old years. When He should be sitting and living his times in peace. When he should feel the warmth of his family, not the hot of the sun burn his dark skin. He had to sit and asked care from other people that he even didnt know.

I dont know why he made me remember my own dad. I am so worried that i couldnt take care of them well in the future so he would end up like him (i really pray NO) . I couldnt do anything for that old man, just I prayed that he would always be healthy and people who loved him would be always around to take care of him. To be honest, i was so sad. -( . I was like blaming his family if they were really exist. They shouldnt let him do such thing -(. And i believed he did such "job" not because he wanted it. . .just the condition forced him to do so. -( .

He made me learn about my own self. He made me has more reason to always be blessed. That i always have plenty and my glass never empty. That i have warmth that i call home. That i am so lucky to be a 'me' . That I love my Parents and would do anything to not making them end up like him.

May Allah take care of you, dear Old Man. . . 

The Answer - Sarah McLachlan

Bismillaahi,

I will be the answer

At the end of the line

I will be there for you

While you take the time

In the burning of uncertainty

I will be your solid ground

I will hold the balance

If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a

Place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all burned out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind

Being A Stranger

Bismillaahi,

Everything looks plainer than I think before. I was just a lil pushy for all the things I have and haven’t. Being thankful, a word that I am used to say, but it was only words until we really do it. well yeah, I am an introvert. And I observe my surroundings all the time, which at last, lead them to my own self. I believe it, that we are part of the things happened in our way. So, I don’t blame others, I blame my own self.

Did you have a bad experience? I guess yes, because everyone did. At past, I got rejection from my surroundings. I listen to them . . . to their rejection and found out the answer. The answer led me to a conclusion about people. They wished to see what they wanted to see. What the community wanted to see. And I answered their wish on me. Yeah, I threw away “the rejected me” inside and be like what they wanted me to be. After years . . . it made me lost the old me. And those people keep using me, keep intimidating me.

Do we always have to be like this? 

But you know, I cant blame them. It’s like they have the right to receive or reject anything. And if I wanna be acknowledged by them, it means that I have to fulfill the criteria. And maybe it was my own matter that I wasn’t in their list. It would be too egoist if I asked people to receive me the way I did, right? 

Sorry for my random posting

Watching “The brave One” . . .it reminds me of my life. I wanna survive, so I kill the “me” inside my self, and become a stranger. 

blue sunday

Bismillaahi,

If i say i am not sad, then it becomes a big lie. But i am trying to cheer up my self. I wanna be positive. But when watching him, my dad, i feel sad, even more than the lost of our birds itself. He is so disappointed, but still trying to be calm.Yes, because we are unfaithful. I dont know what were those burglars thinking before breaking down my house. But i wish Allaah show them the right way. . aamiin

Do you still remember that i said "life gives back everything you give to it." And when we lost our birds, i see my own self. Allah will never do things to us if we didnt do something first. And now i am thinking, what was my fault ? I always pray to Allaah, that every lil bad thing i do, its enough to give that back to me, not to my family. But Allaah gave it to my family too. . .and its nothing but a message behind these all. And i dont know what. Maybe i am just too bad, so my family have to get the effect also.

I really dont know what to do now. Nobody wants to be a bad person, but bad things i do were like happened out of my control. What i want is not like what i do. What i wish to be good mostly ends tobe bad, even worse. And i feel like cant control those bad things. It feels like the hell sprays its lil dots to me, and it feels too hurt.

Rabb, allow me make them happy, in a good way. . . 

shall i?

Bismillaahi,

I really dont know what i must do now. I hesitated so much when thinking about what you were doing. That i couldnt believe you to always do your responsibility. Every time you broke it, it felt like you drew your self away from me step by step. And getting further by day. But in a time i told my self that i would not give you up. I gave you a chance. I was so happy that i saw you changing. It felt like i could rely on your shoulder. But now. . . .

You ignore it. I feel like you were to bring me so high and then tear my wings, and i fell to the deepest sea.

You really really have brought me down.
I always remember about what my friend said. . . .And it was true.

Do i have to give you up now ? Do i have to give us up?

It was so fairy taley, so lala landley. . . . . . . . . .

please,

You Part 1 - ES

Bismillaahi,

There are many people who make us learn about life, and this person that I am going to tell is one of them. I am so blessed that Allah has made her be one of my life book‘s writer. The good one, for sure.

The story began when I met her in my first year of senior high. She came from an Islamic junior high school.  At that time, the stereotype of something which was too Islamic was really not my cup of tea. So, when I saw her wearing her scarf, I asked her why she didn’t open her scarf when studying in State High School (which didn’t obligate its students to wear scarf). She then answered simply that she had already had her old uniform which was long and she didn’t want to make the new one. An answer which is now I realize as part of her excuse to answer my intimidating question.

At that time, I ever made her angry, because when we were joking with some friends, I pulled out her scarf which made her hair seen. I regretted. I knew I shouldn’t do something stupid like that. I directly asked sorry and I knew she rather look disappointed than being angry.

But time passing, we became good friends since then. She was a very good friend with a simple life. She lived with her grandma at that time. Her parents were in another island. Yes, she had been far from his parents since junior high school. That condition which made her became so independent. I could see that she was so careful with her savings. She regularly noted every outcome that she made, even for a candy. For her, eating with a tofu when other friends and I chose to eat meat was always enough for her. I was so amazed that she did such things, which I never though I could do.

She used to go to school by public transportation. She walked quite far just to reach the nearest station. At that time, Mom gave me a quite much pocket money, which I always complained cause I thought Mom gave me less and I needed more. But she, maybe only got a half from mine, and she never complained. She received it as part of her long way to be success. I preferred to say, the hard one. She realized about her family condition which was hard since she schooled far from them, so she tried to not make life looked hard. She didn’t want her parents worried her.

She was a friend who never wanted to compete in being the coolest student, or being jealous with other’s glamorous life. She was just so simple in every way. I saluted her a lot.

When we were in the second year, she sat next to me. She always helped me cleaning my table and made them organized well in my bag. Yes, I had a bad habit. When learning in class, I always made all the books or pencils or the things inside my pencil case spread around on the table. And when the last hour bell rang, I would be busy to clean it and made her waiting for me, so, she tried to help me clean it.

At that time, we also had a study tour to Bali Island. I almost thought she wouldn’t join the trip. But then she said she would go. I was laughing when she said she was so nervous and like many butterflies in her tummy. She was really happy that she could go to Bali. 

She was also a very honest person. She never let me cheat her when we had a test. Lol. But she did the right thing, it was my own fault, I should study more. Lol.

When in the third year, we were not in the same class anymore. In school, we became a bit not too close. But it wasn’t long until we joined the same course for the final test preparation. I used to go to the course with her. I became knowing her better. That her family had moved nearer to her although still in different city, at least not different island anymore, and she must went to her house every week end.

When we graduated, she continued her study in university, the same as mine. When she was accepted, she told me that her parents, especially her mother, was so happy that she could enter the university. I was in the same university with her also, but we didn't attend the same faculty.

At that time, i helped her to find a dorm. She had a low budget for it, so she asked for the cheapest but not too far from college cause she had to walk. Her dorm was not so large, even too small. But she said she was ok with that. And again, i felt so ashamed with my own self. Her simplicity is something amazing. She was like my guide in controlling my savings. She always made me remember if we should live life in a simple way. For not being a price tag.

I ever went to her house. Her family was so simple. She had two younger siblings. Her parents were really a strong family builders who tried to make life better for their kids. One day, her mom cooked lunch for me and my friend who went there. The simple menus on the table were tasted so delicious with the sincerity of her mom to serve them for us. When we were there, all the family helped her to make souvenirs which her nephew and her sister's friends ordered. For me, really not worth to the effort that they had done to make them. But her dad told me "It is ok. We can get something from these souvenirs is a blessing." Again. . .i felt hard to breathe to see her family.

She has graduated 2 years ago, and now, she is in a far island. She ever said she felt lonely cause no friend contacted her. But she didnt complain, just felt sad. She shares many things about what she should do or not when she is far from all the people she knows. Again. . .far from family and friends. She just doesn't want to make people pity her. She never has the intention. She is, who is so independent and willing to be far from her family to make them proud of her, that she is a daughter who is too good.

A girl who used to be far from her families, calm, simple, and careful to reach her dreams. 

And is there any in the world, a person who has an intention to hurt such a wonderful friend, daughter, and sister like her ?

Then, someone has just lost a diamond on her hand  =)

a friend and a space

Bismillaahi,

In mass communication, i learn about non verbal symbol as a part of communication medias. There are many kinds of symbols that we can use, which have meaning and can be used to communicate in an implicit form. One of the form is about space. Space here, is a room that a person builds to make himself feel comfortable. In other words. . .a comfort zone.

That is why i do understand if there is someone who tries to make this space. It doesnt mean they don't trust us. Because, even though we are part of social communities, we consist of individual with different personalities and thoughts. And we need our own space or room to accommodate the things inside our self. We, sometimes need to be alone.

In a friendship is too. There are times when someone is in a condition which can't be solved by sharing. 

It is not about egoism, or trying to not prove a proverb which said "Sharing happiness will give you double happinesses. Sharing tears will ease your pain."

There is someone who told me long time ago "If you dont wanna get hurt or hurts. . .then dont tell bout it over and over. Let the things stay inside your self. And time will heal" 

Just the time is not right for now. Right? When something is not yet true. It is better to keep it to our own self, right? Cause i do too. That is why, pray for each other. 

Time or you. . .will tell. And all i want is. . .the best for you, and us.

You need a space...which you dont ask, but i have already given.

Dont worry, all is well =))

No. . .i dont give you up. I give you the space you need. I am here patiently waiting. . .what you will find

And lets we sing it for our own selves

May the angels protect me, trouble neglect me

And heaven accept me when it's time to go home

May i always have plenty, the glass never empty

And know in my belly, i am never alone

May my tears come from laughing, i find friends worth having

As every year passes, they mean more than gold

May i win and stay humble, smile more than grumble

And know when i stumble, i am never alone

Never alone, never alone

You'll be in every beat of my heart when i face the unknown

Wherever i fly this isn't goodbye

Your love will follow me, stay with me, baby, I am never alone

Well, You have to be honest as much as you wanted

You're not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow

So when hard times have found me and my fears surround me

Wrap your love around me, i am never alone

Never alone, never alone

You'll be in every beat of my heart when i face the unknown

Wherever i fly this isn't goodbye

Your love will follow me, stay with me, baby, I am never alone

my dream house

Bismillaahi,

Mom said that i had a bit creepy hobby. lol. Whenever we have a holiday, usually at sunday morning, i often will go with mom to some housing areas in my city. Even when i went to my Sist's city, i blamed her for not taking me around and staring big houses there (which i knew on the way she sent me back to the station. . .Errrr). Yes, what i mostly do are only looking around and wondering what kind of people live inside those buildings, what are their jobs so that they can make such beautiful houses. lol.

When we moved to this new house, i finally got my own room. Yessss. . .i didnt have it when we were in the old house. We used to sleeping together in front of the TV or in the only bed room that we shared together. (I do miss those moments actually =P). That's why i felt too excited and felt anxious to decorate my own room, my first room that i got after 20 years (toooo late =P, but i keep being thankful =D). But yeah, it wasn't that successful, because my dad keep telling me to not do this and that with my room =(. Heuu. . .that's why i really want to have my own house with my own decoration. one day. . .someday. inshaaAllaah. =D

There are many kind of house type that i wish i could have in the future. It doesnt have to be big, but comfortable and full of nice air circulation also a garden =D. Basically i love living in a rural area, which is still green and less polution. And mountain area is best as my opinion. =D. Some weeks ago i even went to mountain area near my city with my friend. We bought a half kilograms of strawberries (i almost ate all by my self!. . loveeeee it. lol) and of course, watching around many beautiful villas there. Oh, i really wanna have one. >,<

For now, i like the country house type. With timbers painted on alllll white color. With big windows and of course, yard and garden. =D. Here are the example of houses i took from my lovely aunt....yes, aunt google =P.

I like the big windows. It will let the sun light enter the rooms

Yes, a bench on the terrace would be great. I need a table now =P

See the background ! it's like on forest area, or near it. Oh it would be great at day time. But i can't conceal also, it is a bit scary at night. haha

Sweeeet house, with maple trees?? cmiiw. Those trees make a romantic view. =D

It would be great to have the bed room on the roof =D

Great idea to plant some sun flowers inside the house. love it =D

This is a lovely house. It would be nice to have one such this one. =D

This house is like a miniature of a kingdom palace. lol. Victorian style or whatever, with big pillars and wide windows =D

It is like a house type on the north america or Scotland ? Something near a cold area. love it. =D

Ok, now tell me which house that you think as best ? =D

I love to have white benches and a back yard like this =D. So lovely. =D

And it is part of the interior. Can you see the big glass doors and windows ? This is what i mean. Sun light can enter the room very well. So i dont need to turn on the lamps. haha

That's all about my dream house should be =P . And i think it would be best if i buid it on the north pole area. (igloo ??) hahaha

touch me in the heart ^^

Bismillaahi,

Hello all,

it is a quick post before going to teach. ^^

I just wanna write about how a character can touch me, right in the heart. lol. Yes, actually not one, but many. When i am talking bot them, remember or thinking about them, i cant help my self simply smiling. . or crying. hahah . . .what a character power =) . 햇빛 좋네요!!!! (Nice Sunshine !!)

Who are they?hmmm. . .I cant mention one by one, or i will inshaaAllaah. But not now. . .later soon, you know i am in a rush now =P. They are also the people who have made and been making me learn the world out there, and even to understand my own self. People power is really amazing, right. =P. There is one who said that sometimes people could be so scary, yet they could be extremely precious. And they who make me can stand until today. (lets forget the haters. lol)

Yes, in a relationship (not all i make with), it is not with whom we are in, but how they dont give up on us. So i am so thankful that there are some people who do that sincerely, it is a bless,, right. (yes yes say right =P)

Ok then, i must go now =)

If i were a chocolate bar, i would have melted since long time ago.

hahah.

love ya

Bismillaahi,

Bismillaahi,

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools, the gifts we've got yeah we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not

And who I am

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

So easy is our life

What's mine is yours and yours mine

Hardly do we ever fight

We'd rather be kind

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get dark

I'm healing this broken heart

And I know I'm worth it

I won't give up on us

God knows I'm tough enough

We got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No I won't give up on us

God knows I've had enough

We got a lot to learn

And we're, and we're worth it

No I won't give up

No I won't give up

our climates

Bismillaahi,

Hmmm. . .nothing differs that much, except for the temporary snow -P lol

Some captions from starry starry night

Bismillaahi,

This is the missing star pattern on the starry night painting puzzle

Lonely for being left out

Maple leafs are always calming

The journey is about to start

Blue sea

finding grandpa's old house

Night above the sky. . .that day

Thank You

Bismillaahi,

It took me quite long to finally back to my feet and come to this blessings. Well, sometimes i feel too high so that i close my eyes to the good things, which i though not good enough. .yes, cause i think, i am better, or should get the better one. Astaghfirullaah.
But it never too late. Never.

Thank you for the patience, understanding.
Thank you for always opening your door for me.
Thank you for being the pillar of the fragile inside.
Thank you for making me an important story in your life.
Thank you. . .

Thank you for keep believing. . .
Then and now. . .inshaaAllaah.

For them who love me sincerely. Thank you. . . .

Never Alone

Bismillaahi,

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you

And heaven accept you when it's time to go home

May you always have plenty, the glass never empty

And know in your belly, you're never alone

May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having
As every year passes, they mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest as much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow

So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly, this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone


Thankyou for always be there. . . .

thou i feel otherwise. . .

i am not that brave to face the world. sometimes i wish i could rely on shoulders which always be on my side when the others not. dont leave me even if i say you to leave. i am a great doubled face. so dont trust me when i want you to leave. when i say i am ok and i can be by my self. when i smile and walk away. look into my eyes. there....deep in there, lies a small heart....crying, lonely, despair, asking you to stay and hold it tight in your arms. 

Do you love your self ?

Bismillaahi,

== Steps ==

#[[Show Respect|Treat others with love and respect]]. Bringing joy to other people's lives will help you find joy in your own. In addition, those that you treat well will likely repay you with the same kindness.  Gradually you will start to feel your worth through the smiles of gratitude. However, don't just be very kind to people so you can receive royal treatment.

# Create goodwill and thankfulness by [[Be Kind|practicing random deeds of kindness]] by sharing your being with others in many ways. Share your knowledge in nice ways or make a small donation to a needy elderly person or to an unfortunate child.

#*Share opportunities for your potential happiness by sharing goals and accomplishments with a special person or a group. Help a candidate or a political cause or a community project. Help at a school or church.

# Express yourself, perhaps in letters, if that fits your circumstance, or write an article, when you have a topic. Share your ideals, time -- or things you have or get.

# [[Let Go of Painful Memories|Learn to let go of past events]]. You deserve a fresh beginning! There are a lot of people out there that have had hard lives/bad beginnings or moments. Don't close yourself out of grief, disappointments, or fears of future ridicule. Acknowledge your feelings, but work to put them behind you. Cherish what you have learned from your challenges, and how you have changed and grown from them.

#[[Forgive Yourself|Forgive yourself]].  Don't punish yourself for something you have done in the past. Instead, look at the mistake as a learning experience. Say to yourself now: “I forgive myself for _______.” Go look in a mirror and say it out loud to yourself, look yourself right in the eyes and speak forgiveness like you mean it. Don't ever demean or ridicule yourself, or if you do then laugh realizing that was then and this is now. Every day is a new beginning.

#Post positive statements up someplaces where you will see them each and every day. "I am beautiful." or "I have the courage to love." Read them outloud, every day, at least once, ideally at least ten times each time you notice one of them. Sticky notes are fabulous for such affirmations and goals.

# Sit in front of the mirror. Imagine in the mirror is someone putting you down. Then practicing calming replying to her, "I do 'not' care," with a smile. Practice it until you truly believe it.

# [[Escape Materialism and Find Happiness|Try to look past "material" objects and feelings]]: We all want a nice house, nice things, someone to share our life with. Find your true wants objectively. Do you crave power, a religion or simply a motive? Sometimes it's easier to hide the truth from yourself, but figuring out what you really want will help you know yourself better and hopefully aid in answering important questions you often ask yourself.

#[[Keep a Journal|Keep a journal]]. Write about your experiences, good and bad. When you write down good experiences, allow yourself to feel those feelings. When you remember bad experiences, allow yourself to feel self-compassion.  Compassion is not self-pity, but rather willingness to be present/accept with one's own pain and regret.  Most people experienced chronic emotional invalidation growing up; adults shouldn't expect others to be validating, and need to learn how to validate themselves.  Compassion allows us to be present with our pain so it  can acknowledged and let go.

# [[Be Persistent|Be Persistent]]. Work as steadily as you can at loving and accepting yourself just as you are right now.  A large part of love is accepting another "as is". This is no different for yourself—learn to love yourself "as is". Only after we've accepted themselves we might think about changing some less-than desirable characteristics.

# Start working toward how and what you want to do and be. Do so with a positive attitude by working toward your higher purposes and greater appreciation of your problems as motivating your finding new and better opportunities. Be enthusiastic and cheerful (appropriately).

#DONT Define yourself by what you've done or do. Celebrate your accomplishments but let go of the things you haven't...yet?  Remember that success is '''not''' a destination. Success is making progress (toward the desires of your heart). Accept yourself, and others will follow your lead.  You are not your deeds, appearance, or bank balance.

#[[Hug Yourself|Hug Yourself]]. Show yourself love through a hug by hugging the real you.

# Be yourself. Be who you really are, express yourself, laugh, play, sing. Don't be afraid of what others think, they feel the same way and want to express themselves, but are afraid to show it too.

# Trust yourself. Don't just blindly follow other peoples suggestions. Learn to trust who you really are.

#  Think of five positive words that describe you. Try not to use words like *pretty* and *nice*. Try variety.

# Think about what you really want someone to be like in a relationship. Do those characteristics also apply to you?

# Practice receiving love.  To truly love is to be able to receive it. When someone loves you, does some kind deeds to you, say kind words, give you gifts, or give you compliments, embrace it. Allow yourself to feel the love that has come your way. Know that you are worthy of love. It is important to accept a gift of love by others. You give yourself a chance to learn more about yourself that you are lovable. You give someone a joy of giving by loving you. Another important way is to practice receiving love by saying “I love you” to yourself. Let that love fill your heart. Receive that love that you give to yourself unconditionally.

# Practice saying “no”. It is o.k. to say “no” to people when you do not feel like doing something. Do not feel guilty about it. Just realize that you have the right to do so. This is different from doing things out of love. If you do things out of love and your heart wants to do them, that is a different story. When your heart does not want to do it and you feel like you have to please someone, and make others happy by over extending yourself. Learning how to say “no” is an art. It takes practice. You might say “Thank you for asking. I am not ready to commit to doing anything right now.” You cannot please everyone. When you say “no”, remember to smile sincerely and say “no” gracefully.

# Do what you love. What do you love to do? If you could find something that you love to do and spend time doing it, you will experience love, joy, and happiness in your heart. That is when you truly connect with your authentic self. As a result you become happier and more loving.

# Treat yourself like treating your very best friend. How do you treat your very best friend? Do you treat him/her with love, kindness, trust, appreciation, acceptance, and respect? If you can give that to your friend, why don’t you give that to yourself? Practice treating yourself like you treat your very best friend by saying kind words to yourself. Stop calling yourself names. Stop beating yourself up. Give yourself compliments. Know your boundaries and listen deeply to your needs. Always be kind and gentle with yourself.

# Nurture yourself. Self care is very important. Set up some time to be by yourself, just by yourself. Do something that gives you peace, love, and joy with yourself. You can nurture yourself physically by exercising and consuming healthy food.  You can nurture yourself emotionally by listening to love songs, painting, or helping others in need.  As you give yourself to others and offer help, you receive the gift of love back. You feel good about yourself because you live your life on purpose.  You can nurture yourself mentally by reading your favorite books.  You can nurture your spiritually by doing meditation.

# Stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone on this earth is unique. We all have different gifts. When you compare yourself to others, it makes you feel bad about yourself. When you compare yourself to others for what they have, whether it is a car, a house, a mate, children, money, or a job, it makes you feel low self esteem, lose your confidence, and perhaps depressed, envy or jealous. A way to stop comparing yourself to others is by focusing on your own strength. Get to know yourself and discover what is your greatest gift that you are meant to share with the world. Another great way is by practicing gratitude. Be happy for what you have. Really be grateful about everything that you have; people in your life, job, relationships, material, etc. Gratitude keeps your heart open to love. No one is quite like you. Just be you. Be grateful for being the wonderful you. Do the best you can. Be the best you can and love yourself more. Then, you have more love to give to others.

# Stop trying to be perfect. Stop criticizing yourself for being less than perfect. Always do your best, but not 

reaching perfection is NOT failure. Just follow all the steps above and don't let anyone's expectations of you put any pressure on you. Remember that no matter what, you will always be perfect just the way you are, flaws and all.

The steps above were taken from http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself

Do you love your self ?

Well, those are the steps that you could do to build love. Yes, love to your own self. 

It is hard to say. Nobody wanna hate her/his own self, but sometimes the people out there who at last build thoughts which make us hate our own self. Why is in the world there's something like that?? judgement comes from them who think they are better or more powerful than us,, doesnt it? If they love us, it wont be a judgement, but wise advice and care to encourage our feeling. Nobody is perfect, then why is it so hard to take people as they are ?

I wanna close my ears and walk out the door. Leaving all the talks behind. . .

How to love my own self if the people out there say otherwise ?