Not My Playground

Bismillaahi,

There might be only one mad guy and i have passed him by. I left him and closed his story. A kind of person who would never find me anymore, or i would not. I really don't know since it is part of the future, the mysterious one . Those people, nobody who came to me first or found me in this very busy life. I found them and let them entered my life. Until one by one had gone by.

There were two boys who ever asked me to go out which other people thought as part of dates. But they were wrong. The first boy picked me up and he brought me with his motorbike. My parents had a wrong perception at that time. They thought it was a date, since there were rarely never a boy came to home and took me out. But, that boy, whom i ever gave my heart to when in hs, only asked me to accompany him to find a gift for his girlfriend. He said, only girl knew what another girl really wanted. -)). I was just saying yes, cause there wasn't any reason to say a no even if i wanted to.

The second one, it was a different boy, he picked me up and my friend saw this. She thought we were goin to have a date since it was a sat nite. But the truth, he was having a problem with his gf, which was my close friend. Did i have to say a no? I couldnt, although it was making wrong opinion to others.

But it was a disappointment for them when found out what they were thinking was not right.

Ahh..but i got used to be someone like this. A person whom never been loved for who i am. There was only one guy and i left him cause i was too young to understand the meaning of lonesome. The meaning of parents wish. The meaning of future. I ever said to my self that i would never regret it. I was doing the right thing cause i believe it was what He asked me to do.

But now...i feel like regret it and i must ensure my self, nothings worth to be regretted.

Since the experiences i had in my past were not the good one. I tried to through the right way.

And it was still the same, so many rejections, like i were nobody worth to be loved. They hurt my dignity and now I have lost all of my confidence.

I cant see or guess the life in front of me, it is like it stops here.

That is why i was wondering why do they are people in this world who still feel like i am something that can harm their love life. I have nothing to offer. Even to start one, is now becomes like a nitemare that haunts me everytime i close my eyes.

I wish my life were a movie, like that movie. A girl is who used to closing her self from the outside world. Feeling happy to be in her room and not comfort when people are around. But still some men saw and notice her existence and gave her their hearts.

But it is a real life, right?

and this real life is not my playground. . .

Where it all comes from

Bismillaahi,

My Own Sky.

I got this name when in a morning after a hard rain the night before, i went out to the yard. I looked up to the sky and was feeling so amazed with the view i got.

It was a bunch of clouds. The white one. Looked like a field of lambs running around peacefully. With the very bright blue sky behind it, and the cool wind blew nicely. I then started to believe that those people said the right.

To a get a beautiful rainbow, we must feel a little rain. To erase the dark, we just have to through the night till the dawn comes. To get a beautiful blue sky with the white clouds, we just have to let the heavy rain at the night before go. And because of that. I wanna have my own sky. No matter how hard things i get in my life, i always believe that it is just part of the road to the real happiness. No matter what i think or want, i just have to shout it out loud and i wont be worry about anything. How i feel, what i think...everything will be just fine. Cause here...it is my own sky. -)))

Oh btw... vadove ti porta il cuore..it means, go wherever your heart brings. -))) I think i dont have to explain it. -))

The Reflection

Bismillaahi,

Sometimes, i feel like i can see my self inside somebody's eyes. Not part of the reflection of my eyes watching on it. But it goes deeper than that. A part of me which i am hard to describe, is just standing over there. No matter how far this person is, or even if i havent ever really meet him in person, it is just like i saw my self on the mirror. Those people are the mirror, who tell me what i look like, how i am, etc. Yes, I knew it was me inside their eyes. But still the truth, i havent meet or seen my self directly. Just like those people who meet and interact with us.

Isnt it a little bit strange that we let other people see us, but we..who own this body and soul, is the one who cant. That is why i am always curious about how people look at me. No matter if it is about a good thing or a bad thing. People will always make the judgement, right? just them who give it a second chance that let the first impression doesnt judge all the things happen after that. And i wanna be that kind of person too. At least i am trying to be. It is just too unfair if we let things that come from our sides becomes the only one who decides it. Let them show us who they are. The decission is only whether to let people in or not, so they can listen more about us. But i dont know if it is something important or not, cause i know people who dont think we are important, wont try to listen us too. 

And it is not only me who feel the same, right? We all just the same after all. 

This blog, i made it to let out my mind. It is like i open the door i used to close. To let people know a little bit part of me. But i soon realize i was doing stupid things. Nobody would really care about it. hhaa... So, i am back to where i used to be. So, although nobody cares, i still open this door. And after this door is only a confusing labirin. Like an unorganized library. Make others feel to as soon as possible to leave the building.

But no matter what...i am like standing in front of the mirror, saying to my self "dont be sad dear my self. I am the one who will always love you although sometimes i hesitate it, but i am the one who stand by you forever."

..

Bismillaahi,

For some people, what i really wish to get in this life is not a worth dream. Some of them said that we just have to walk on the path and somehow it will lead us to that point. Easy to say right?

I begin to think that every failure i got this far is not because i cant. It was like i did something that i didnt really want.

Time wont wait. I see the fear on my parents eyes. In the time when they should put their fear on my future, i keep being unfaithful. What i need now is only a help. And only to Allaah ta'ala i could ask for.