bad mood

Bismillaahi,

Lately, we have bad moods. For many reasons, it has made us trying to support each other. Ya, too many things inside our head. About future, about family, friends, ideology, education. . . .i my self, feel like i wanna cry. Or just sit beside him, hold his hand tight and he calmly say "everythings gonna be ok, deli."

B. . . :( . . .

No hope . . .no dream. . .u said that. . .but we must fight rite ? never lose hopes, or we wont ever reach our dreams.

Mom. . .i really wish to make all your hopes tobe true. But all of these seems to be so not easy :( . I only wish to graduate, get job, marry, have kids. . . as normal as others have. but . . .i even havent got one of them :( .

i am so sad :(. . .mom. . .dad. . .B. . . .

it was not a surprise that B could feel if theres something wrong with me, if theres something bad i think that he could feel. B always be able to solve me, but still i couldnt say what is actually i feel and think. Just stay beside me B. . .as always, support me. . .as you always do.

Keep praying cause Allah always be with us. . .rite. . .

idk

Bismillaahi,

Sometimes, it is better to just keep some words of our own than hurt others feeling, even if its true. And this one. . always doesnt. . .just let all out loud.

i am trying to keep the peace, but yeah. . u start it. Ok :)

another Failure

Bismillaahi,

Ya. . as ive thought before. . i was failed :) . I my self dont feel that kind of disappointed. But , you know. . .parents' hope is like a big stone on my shoulder that i must bear. And letting them down once again is really . . .i feel so bad. They keep supporting me, but still i can see that bad news just suddenly stole away their smiles. . even for a second. I know it :( . 

Mom. . Dad. . .dont be tired to pray, we just have tobe more patient in this tough life. I love you all as always. 

But everything happens for a reason, rite :)

And there would be my time. . sooner inshaaAllaah.

and B . . .i always wanna tell you the pain inside my heart about all the happenings in my life. But i cant. . .and i just want to keep you happy. If you are wondering, i also always say to u to think everything positively. You just have to say me that everythings gonna be ok. . .and you always do. Thank you B. . .you are one of my best thing in this world :) . Thanks for supporting me in every condition even if i cant share it with you. . .you always there. And you know. .i dont lie you, just dont tell and still let it be kept by my own . Because it is not yet be our time. You believe in Allah. . .rite ? His promises are always true. 

TOO LATE

Bismillaahi,


the bad habit of every human.  . .especially meeee .  yeaaa, rarely being ONTIME !!!!  >,< .  And i am LAAAAATEE to catch my first train !!!

And now here i am, in the train station and updating my blog. I dont feel calm now, and still thinking about the rush hours i will get in some hours next. I cant conceal if i am not afraid O.o . I do feel it. Actually for the thought that they would consider my apperiance as a bad or minuse thing . We all judge others by first look, of course, it's true. At least to give first interpretation. . .and yeah, i am surely going to have my label by that.

Here i am waiting for the next  train. Wish that i can get the best today. As B said 

 " BE POSITIVE. BE COOL" !!!

Dadaaah <3 <3

dirty hands

Bismillaahi,

Truthfully, it is so. . too scarry imagining how mean people are. And i am part of it. Every move that we make. . .have you ever worried that it might hurt others ? Them who are weaker than us. Them whose hearts beat faster when worrying, being frightened of what we could do to them. . .what moves that will hurt them. 

I am so scared

Sometimes everythings just happened like it is. Being a major, its like naturally be inside our blood. . .makes us want to win over something, to control over something. . to be the real beast. Our hands are dirty, as our hearts are too weak, to just be a good human. Bringing nothing but just happiness, cant we ?

Watching how those narrowed eyes stared our face. Saying words that we would never understand. We only know. . .we know their needs, so that we can easily control them. And them. . .cant do anything but freezing unfaithfully.

This is why we always say we are not perfect. And it is so true. . 

I just dont wanna hurt others anymore. Deep in my heart i really dont want. Just this emotions, sometimes win over me. .and us, the human. . .the best race.

Forgive me. . . . .to those whose last breaths, last light. . .slowly disappeared in front of my eyes. before my face. . . :(

Keep Trying

Bismillaahi,

I keep saying to my self. . .

it is ok. . .it is fine. . .youve just opened hundreds not thousands. Dont let your heart be upset, cause Allaah's promisses are true. Keep trying. No matter how hard, there would be one in a million who is  not only pick up or discard. If you were to stop now, look at your parents faces ! Dont bring them down once more and more. You will find sooner or later. . inshaaAllaah. . .keep your head up. SMANGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT !

I really dont feel fine. But getting many rejections is like hurting my own pride. Like i am really not that good for anyone. like i better burrying my self, hiding on the corner of darkness. Or just jumping off the cliff. But i believe in Allaah. He knows everything best for me than my self. And i just have to keep everything stay in the TRACK ~~~the hardest part somehow.


Dont worry mom, there would be my turn someday. . inshaaAllaah. Keep praying for your daughter :(

desperado

Bismillaahi,

Some weeks ago, I cried hard. It was not because of someone else, but it was because of my self. I got a rejection somewhere, and the reason was due to my physical look. This event had successfully made my head turned back to those times. When I firstly realized, how I was different, how this look. . . .was nothing. Remembering what I had done to make people around me accept me as I was. My decision which wasn’t me for real. I let my self to be a joke. I let things I had to cover my minuses. But still, my sickness to get an acknowledgement was a great weapon to beat me down. When I did good things to them, they really did used it for their own benefit. And at end, I would still be the dumbest person.

One day in senior high, I asked someone to read my hand’s lines. We believed him could read our self and future. He just frankly said. . .”love your self, don’t too underestimate your own self”. Crap . . .He did knew my feeling !

Then I just thought back, how I could love my own self if it was only me who thought so and nobody elses did not. That’s why I became so negative thinking to my own self, I couldn’t trust my own ability.