not my home

Bismillaah,

And finally, I turned it off.

For me, a home, is a place where i feel comfortable. It is not always in physical form like the real house building. It can be anything as far as i feel i belong to it. Friendship, Love, Society are also things i am used to calling as "home". When i feel my home is no longer a place where i feel comfortable, i will tend to pull my self away. And many people do the same too, right? Or maybe only me, since i am a "run away" girl. lol.

That was also the reason i deactivated my social media account. I dont feel comfortable anymore there. It has hurt my eyes. Not literally hurting my eyes, but it has made me sick..here..in the heart. I feel so bad since i  got this sickness. I dont wanna be like this. I dont wanna make them to be the reason of this pain. I am only a human with a weak heart, what can i do? i feel the jealousy, what can i do?

I am 25 with nothing to be proud of, isnt it something that can be an excuse that i feel so much pain when watching those achievements? I am happy for them...really i am happy sincerely...but deep in this heart, there lies a wound without a scratch. A wound which i made cause i could not do what i should do as a normal human. A human who lives in society, in this world. I am sad. And nobody would (i dont need them to do too) care about it. Astaghfirullaah.

It was just so much crowd out there and i really hate to be around. 

I am tired to ensure my self everything is just going to be fine. There would be my turn. And i am growing to be more pessimistic person rather than the optimistic one. My life. It feels like stops here.....

What i need most is a help.

Help me.