ours

Bismillaahi, it is  hard. i am trying to post a writing to this blog O.o

am i that desperate ?

Bismillaahi,

It's ok. . .it's ok. . . all is fine. . .

almost a quarter century

Bismillaahi,

Some years ago when i was in my first year of university, i ever asked a friend. She was just turn 24 and i was wondering how it felt to be 24. She said it was just so so. And then i also asked my mom about how it felt when being 50. I also asked my Dad how to be 54. All said that they didnt think it. It was just numbers. But they are right, at last Age is only numbers. What we have done during those ages is the most important thing. 

And this April last, i will get my new age. 25. It's a mature age, isnt it ? And i questioned my self. What I have done in my life for almost 25 years.

When i was in my first year of junior high, i found a magazine with an article about some famous university names in UK. At that time, i teared the pages and saved it. It became one of my dream. I had a dream to be there and schooled there. I imagined if i sat on the senior high, i would get a scholarship or joining a student exchange and be somewhere in Europe or USA. And then i could study in one of the famous university. It was such a sweet dream at that time until i realized that i didn't do anything to make my dreams come true, and it became a real fake daydream since then. I was just following the system until now. Even in my almost a quarter century, i feel like i was just a day dreamer. No achievement that i could reach until now. 

Time flies by like a blink of eyes. I regretted all the past time i had. But life wheel always moves forward, it never looks back. So does my life. I remember these two little kitties were just about my grasp's size some months ago. And now they have been gaining weight and hard to be lifted. Life seems to to much faster for them, right. -)) But it's from our POV. .

B said that time gets shorter along with our age. When we were just one, one year feels like a year. When 10, it feels like 10 % of the feeling that we feel when we were a year old baby. and now when almost 25 life even gets so much shorter than i have felt before. No wonder that when i was in elementary, i felt like everything and every time walked so slow. And after i graduated and being in my junior, then senior, then in college, all feels like just a blink now. 25 years of living is really so fast. And the time for being like my mom and my dad's age is also so near.

I still have many dreams left, i still have many hopes, 25 years (if Allaah gives me his will). .


I hope to be a better person, to make my family happy, to make my Allaah happy,,inshaaAllaah.

Fighting !! ^^9

a listener

Bismillaahi,

People always need to be listened. Yes, not only to be heard. And it is so nice to be their listener. 

Yesterday i talked to a stranger whom i even didnt look at nor count. He said that it was so hard to find people who when we talked to, we felt good. He said, i was one of them. -) Not tobe high, no, really. As if i knew all what people wanted and wished . . .just sometimes we have to be a good listener.

Today, my mom also talked to me. While we were going to the market and felt tired, we took a seat and had a lunch. It was started after we were talking about one of our realtive who seemed to be facing a hard time with her marriage. Well, she married in a very young age (for today). And then i asked her, "Did you have that hard time also ?"

And then she started to talked about her early life. .  .Things that i have never thought before that my mom and dad would face. She told me with eyes filled with tears. I felt like wanna hug her and said a big thanks for being a strong mom and wife. For not giving up, until now. Her life and my family were so hard. And the   most impressing thing is my bro sist and i even never felt that. How much pain that they have kept all alone and still smile in front of me and my siblings. And now i know. . .

Suddenly i felt so sorry for all ive done to them..that they had been doing all the things to make this family last  until now and on.

I listen and i understand. 

My Heart Jumps !!!

Bismillaahi,


Subhanallaah, i dont have any other word to describe the beauty !! Allaah is the one who created it !!

My heart jumps >,< !! . .it is too breathtaking !! I used to think that New Zealand is the most virgin and beautiful place in earth !!! but Bosnia has flattered me . . .

trex brought me there and it was such a wonderful thing !!

I dont know how those terrible past ever happened in this Earth's part. They are too beautiful to be hurt >,<

Check this out !! and do you agree with me ? U should ! lol

 Sunset view in Sarajevo. Its wonderful !! Subhanallaah. A mountainous City is Great !!

This pic has stolen my heart ! Una River !!

Heh ? -O

Naretva River !! I can see those under water !!

I imagine Grizzelies there !! lol

Una river is wonderful !

City Park? When will we have that also lol

Yes, thats a Masjid in Old Town. I wanna go there >,<

The river. . .ohhhh >,<

I love the Snowww !!!

It reminds me of my friend Marija. She said she hates snow on her house roof ! haha. . its beautiful like a cake lol. Sorry Marija, u should live in Indonesia to tell that snow is amazing ! lol

Winter is in the City !

Wanna pray here -)

Its a river or a lake ? lol so clear water

Cold Stream

Like in Villas lol

Wanna go skiing ?? -D

Una river on winter, like in a fairy land . I see hobits there ! lol

A laaakeee soooo cleeearrr >,< !!

It is a resort, so unique !

Beautiful islands and gulf? and a rainbow for the bonus = perfect !

watermills . . .so great >,<

This is neretva river on the side of road. Really Subhanallaah !

Ok, What i learn about Bosnia is 

1. There are many masjids since at past it was part of Ottoman Caliph also -D

2. Many many rivers with clear water. Really like no garbage at all !! so virgin !

3. Many mountains also, and they are wonderful !

4. The architectures of the buildings are awesome. Like typical of old buildings in Europe. Calming !

5. I finally know that Snow there is very thick ! So i can understand you, Marija ! lol

6. I fall in love to Una and Neretva River !

7. Bosnian language is really. . .hhaha. . .i am even not sure can read it well

8. I wanna go there someday !

9. I LOVE YOU !

10. I should stop writing now cause i will not stop uploading if keep talking. lol

You are so Huuuuuu

Bismillaahi,

Sometimes I just wanna write. I turn on my laptop and start to write. But it is even not something that I could say as a good writing. All is about complains. I cant complain in my real life, verbally, so, writing is my best media to do it.

This time, I wanna complain about people. (as usual). Many of them are frustrated by their future luck. They forget if I am in front of them. Why do they pity their lives in fact it should be me who have to be pitied. They all have something to be offered. They can get what they want. But me ? It was like they were trying to hurt my dignity, slow but hard. 

Nobody knew but me. Ive opened hundreds even thousands. Ive got dozens rejection. One that could receive me is not in a right time. One who said yes said that he didn’t intentionally said yes. One who said yes went away like a wind blows. One who I though had a chance said I wasn’t real. One who I wished forever said I wasn’t in the list.

So what do you think about it? Do you still feel the worst, the most terrible person, the most hurt ? What about me ? Hundred times i sing those songs just to cheer my own life. When i cheer you up, actually i was talking to my self. But i dont feel as the worst, because there are many who are worse than me.

(My english is so terrible in this post and in the post before it. I was so lazy to care about grammars.) (I almost said sorry. . but i dont need to do that i guess)

A Drama in My Life

Bismillaahi,

"What are you doing here? This is not a good place for people like you. "

"It's okay, as long as the time."

Introduction Our starting small talk it through inbox. At that time, I was sitting in the second semester, first year in university. As a new soul "knows" the hijab after graduating high school, I was someone who was very unstable. Between the desire to be a better person, a negative response from family, loss of friends, and confusion due to lack of role model who could put me in a straight path, he comes. The withdrawal was traveling in the desert alone, a thirst for intense heat-biting, she came with a smile and provide drinking water release thirst and fatigue. As luck for me, she really came on at the right time, when the world is not on my side, like a wooden stick coming my way at the same time supporting the torch as a guide.

I originally created an account on a chat application to hone my English skills with strangers, accidentally saw her profile. Profile so "skyrocketed" and the religious. As a "new" know the Lord, I will question the existence in a place like that. Is not it better he went to the mosque? Wrestle with things smelling religion, rather than spend time talking to and fro with people she did not know physically. So without further thought, I sent you a private mail. And since then, we were more often spoken though not physically. Discussed many things, including curhatku about problems - troubles and how I envy habits - good habits.

Unexpectedly, less than 2 weeks, he expressed to me his favorite. The reason, he sees a strong desire in my heart to return to the right path. According to him, my heart yearned with kindness. And he wanted to be a part of it. Emphatically as he says, does not mean he wants to invite courtship, because he was against it. He just did not want to lie to her feelings. And promised to help me find a path that has faded in front of me, leading me to goodness, because she loves me. As a naive, I was very happy with the offer of help, although it is very difficult for me to say like him. I thought then, I need it and I have to accept a helping hand.

Time rolled on, coupled with the many religious books are sent to me, the more knowledge. I'm a tomboy, gradually began to wear skirts and look more feminine. Hijab became more dangling. Worship also improved. It was all under the "supervision". Accordingly, our conversations became more intense, affection calls with various forms began to take shape. In fact we had two meetings because of his seriousness to make me a companion. The desire to marry often thrown, even though we'd both been to college. At that time, our relationship is not just a friend, like the language of young people now, "relationship without status", or "friends but cordial."

We finally discuss both our closeness to each parent. Until when he was studying out of town, she wants to meet and know me ask me to stay in their home for 3 days. Likewise with my parents who wanted to know him, so he came home to stay in touch. In the eyes of both of them, we were lovers. Even when staying at his house, his mother had introduced me to their families, and they mean me as his girlfriend. Strong desire to marry was finally mounting and he ventured to speak to her parents and my parents to ask permission to step up to the altar. And the answer they're both the same, wait till both finished college and he got the job anyway. If counted, at least we have to wait 2 or 3 years.

Since the beginning I've felt there was something wrong with our relationship. Because somehow, even without a clear status, our relationship really like people who are dating. In fact, from the knowledge that I could at the time, there was no courtship in Islam. My heart was upset and felt very irresponsible with the newly flowing veil, and a new attitude is being repaired. Out there, along with my friends know through religious activities on campus, we often talk about how illicit relationship like that, defamation and adultery are forbidden by religion. However, behind it all, I got in touch with the opposite sex are either really going to be my destiny or not. Plus the assumption of both our large family, who both think we are lovers. At that time, my heart was really heavy burdened with a sense of hypocrisy.

Actually, at that time, his decision to marry into such a wonderful answer and remove guilt. However, that has not been given permission to four parents, and the expectation that the shadow must we go for 2 or 3 years, made me open my eyes. Question - the question began raging in my chest. "So have to wait 2 or 3 years? Is not that long enough? What will we do during the waiting? Every day like this? What if I died at that time? Is not love him as a good that he gave? Not to keep him like this, I have hurt him? "At that point, I intend to finish, but another question raging in my heart. "What I'm confident with my decision? What if he'll forget me? What if he'll be paired with? What if you later, I will not find someone like him again?. "

And finally, one day after grappling with that question, and I decided kumantapkan heart to end all this, with a belief in the destiny of Allaah ta'ala alone. That whatever I do, if Allaah wills we destined, it will still be married. If Allaah does not want us to be married, even though waiting for 3 years, then we would not be paired. That to get the good, should start with the good. Whereas, it is God who is aware of what is best for his people. And finally I will let him go, because I prefer the love of my Lord.

Hearing the decision to end our relationship, he was struck and repeatedly asked his mistake to me. And repeatedly told him, all for the good of all of us, to avoid libel and adultery heart. I told him, if indeed he meant it about the intention to marry and believe in fate Allaah, I ask him to come again 3 years later, when all was ready. During that time, I asked him not to call again, and to concern themselves with knowledge as well add me and wished only to Allaah ta'ala. If not, I let him go in order to find another companion were much better than me.

And actually, the hardest of all of this, is our family. Due to our large family already involved and aware of our relationship. And they hope that we stay together despite having to wait 3 years. But after I explained, they slowly turn over all of us, even if they are not sincere with my decision as well as him. For more than half a year, yet he was always diligent in touch though I ignored. I thought, one day he will be tired and understand that all of this is really for our own good.

And finally, all communication was completely cut off, he had not been contacted. Until one day, suddenly there was a foreign number calling. When I answered, it was him. He asked to speak with his mother, that's all over, as it turns out, has been continuously blaming her and thought she was the cause of our relationship ended. I told him that I've explained it many times, and I told him to be patient still explaining to his mother. And actually, as long as it did, her mother was frequently in touch, just say hello and my activity.

Not long ago the phone, I finally knew, was already there "successor" in his heart. Another woman somehow, he knew already for a few months. It is the answer when he stopped in touch, which initially I thought because he was sincere with my decision, but it was because he got my successor. Hearing that, deep down inside I'm very sad and angry. He knew I was an end to all this because we both wanted to save from the brink of adultery and slander and deeper. I wonder what was on his mind, but the man was very weak and it is not able to keep him in order not to get caught adultery and slander again. Once again he did with other women and this time also he wants to marry her. And of course, parents are not allowed, but because he was still in school and have not been able to provide, they still want their future with me. Hey brother, can not you be patient and restrain your passions?

I agree destiny Allaah. That we were not destined. I was already mengikhlaskannya. And after all, I am very grateful to him, for having extended his hand to me and grateful to God met me with him. He was part of the test that God gave me. And then I will pray the best for him and his family, may he soon finish school and get a good job. And hopefully, by qualifying from their parents can make it to get permission to marry the woman he loved. And hopefully, the parents let me go. Now, almost 4 years we really - really never communicate again. Because it is the best for us. And may all end up happy in the future. Amen. . . InshaaAllaah.