The Answer - Sarah McLachlan

Bismillaahi,

I will be the answer

At the end of the line

I will be there for you

While you take the time

In the burning of uncertainty

I will be your solid ground

I will hold the balance

If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a

Place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all burned out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind

Being A Stranger

Bismillaahi,

Everything looks plainer than I think before. I was just a lil pushy for all the things I have and haven’t. Being thankful, a word that I am used to say, but it was only words until we really do it. well yeah, I am an introvert. And I observe my surroundings all the time, which at last, lead them to my own self. I believe it, that we are part of the things happened in our way. So, I don’t blame others, I blame my own self.

Did you have a bad experience? I guess yes, because everyone did. At past, I got rejection from my surroundings. I listen to them . . . to their rejection and found out the answer. The answer led me to a conclusion about people. They wished to see what they wanted to see. What the community wanted to see. And I answered their wish on me. Yeah, I threw away “the rejected me” inside and be like what they wanted me to be. After years . . . it made me lost the old me. And those people keep using me, keep intimidating me.

Do we always have to be like this? 

But you know, I cant blame them. It’s like they have the right to receive or reject anything. And if I wanna be acknowledged by them, it means that I have to fulfill the criteria. And maybe it was my own matter that I wasn’t in their list. It would be too egoist if I asked people to receive me the way I did, right? 

Sorry for my random posting

Watching “The brave One” . . .it reminds me of my life. I wanna survive, so I kill the “me” inside my self, and become a stranger. 

blue sunday

Bismillaahi,

If i say i am not sad, then it becomes a big lie. But i am trying to cheer up my self. I wanna be positive. But when watching him, my dad, i feel sad, even more than the lost of our birds itself. He is so disappointed, but still trying to be calm.Yes, because we are unfaithful. I dont know what were those burglars thinking before breaking down my house. But i wish Allaah show them the right way. . aamiin

Do you still remember that i said "life gives back everything you give to it." And when we lost our birds, i see my own self. Allah will never do things to us if we didnt do something first. And now i am thinking, what was my fault ? I always pray to Allaah, that every lil bad thing i do, its enough to give that back to me, not to my family. But Allaah gave it to my family too. . .and its nothing but a message behind these all. And i dont know what. Maybe i am just too bad, so my family have to get the effect also.

I really dont know what to do now. Nobody wants to be a bad person, but bad things i do were like happened out of my control. What i want is not like what i do. What i wish to be good mostly ends tobe bad, even worse. And i feel like cant control those bad things. It feels like the hell sprays its lil dots to me, and it feels too hurt.

Rabb, allow me make them happy, in a good way. . . 

shall i?

Bismillaahi,

I really dont know what i must do now. I hesitated so much when thinking about what you were doing. That i couldnt believe you to always do your responsibility. Every time you broke it, it felt like you drew your self away from me step by step. And getting further by day. But in a time i told my self that i would not give you up. I gave you a chance. I was so happy that i saw you changing. It felt like i could rely on your shoulder. But now. . . .

You ignore it. I feel like you were to bring me so high and then tear my wings, and i fell to the deepest sea.

You really really have brought me down.
I always remember about what my friend said. . . .And it was true.

Do i have to give you up now ? Do i have to give us up?

It was so fairy taley, so lala landley. . . . . . . . . .

please,

You Part 1 - ES

Bismillaahi,

There are many people who make us learn about life, and this person that I am going to tell is one of them. I am so blessed that Allah has made her be one of my life book‘s writer. The good one, for sure.

The story began when I met her in my first year of senior high. She came from an Islamic junior high school.  At that time, the stereotype of something which was too Islamic was really not my cup of tea. So, when I saw her wearing her scarf, I asked her why she didn’t open her scarf when studying in State High School (which didn’t obligate its students to wear scarf). She then answered simply that she had already had her old uniform which was long and she didn’t want to make the new one. An answer which is now I realize as part of her excuse to answer my intimidating question.

At that time, I ever made her angry, because when we were joking with some friends, I pulled out her scarf which made her hair seen. I regretted. I knew I shouldn’t do something stupid like that. I directly asked sorry and I knew she rather look disappointed than being angry.

But time passing, we became good friends since then. She was a very good friend with a simple life. She lived with her grandma at that time. Her parents were in another island. Yes, she had been far from his parents since junior high school. That condition which made her became so independent. I could see that she was so careful with her savings. She regularly noted every outcome that she made, even for a candy. For her, eating with a tofu when other friends and I chose to eat meat was always enough for her. I was so amazed that she did such things, which I never though I could do.

She used to go to school by public transportation. She walked quite far just to reach the nearest station. At that time, Mom gave me a quite much pocket money, which I always complained cause I thought Mom gave me less and I needed more. But she, maybe only got a half from mine, and she never complained. She received it as part of her long way to be success. I preferred to say, the hard one. She realized about her family condition which was hard since she schooled far from them, so she tried to not make life looked hard. She didn’t want her parents worried her.

She was a friend who never wanted to compete in being the coolest student, or being jealous with other’s glamorous life. She was just so simple in every way. I saluted her a lot.

When we were in the second year, she sat next to me. She always helped me cleaning my table and made them organized well in my bag. Yes, I had a bad habit. When learning in class, I always made all the books or pencils or the things inside my pencil case spread around on the table. And when the last hour bell rang, I would be busy to clean it and made her waiting for me, so, she tried to help me clean it.

At that time, we also had a study tour to Bali Island. I almost thought she wouldn’t join the trip. But then she said she would go. I was laughing when she said she was so nervous and like many butterflies in her tummy. She was really happy that she could go to Bali. 

She was also a very honest person. She never let me cheat her when we had a test. Lol. But she did the right thing, it was my own fault, I should study more. Lol.

When in the third year, we were not in the same class anymore. In school, we became a bit not too close. But it wasn’t long until we joined the same course for the final test preparation. I used to go to the course with her. I became knowing her better. That her family had moved nearer to her although still in different city, at least not different island anymore, and she must went to her house every week end.

When we graduated, she continued her study in university, the same as mine. When she was accepted, she told me that her parents, especially her mother, was so happy that she could enter the university. I was in the same university with her also, but we didn't attend the same faculty.

At that time, i helped her to find a dorm. She had a low budget for it, so she asked for the cheapest but not too far from college cause she had to walk. Her dorm was not so large, even too small. But she said she was ok with that. And again, i felt so ashamed with my own self. Her simplicity is something amazing. She was like my guide in controlling my savings. She always made me remember if we should live life in a simple way. For not being a price tag.

I ever went to her house. Her family was so simple. She had two younger siblings. Her parents were really a strong family builders who tried to make life better for their kids. One day, her mom cooked lunch for me and my friend who went there. The simple menus on the table were tasted so delicious with the sincerity of her mom to serve them for us. When we were there, all the family helped her to make souvenirs which her nephew and her sister's friends ordered. For me, really not worth to the effort that they had done to make them. But her dad told me "It is ok. We can get something from these souvenirs is a blessing." Again. . .i felt hard to breathe to see her family.

She has graduated 2 years ago, and now, she is in a far island. She ever said she felt lonely cause no friend contacted her. But she didnt complain, just felt sad. She shares many things about what she should do or not when she is far from all the people she knows. Again. . .far from family and friends. She just doesn't want to make people pity her. She never has the intention. She is, who is so independent and willing to be far from her family to make them proud of her, that she is a daughter who is too good.

A girl who used to be far from her families, calm, simple, and careful to reach her dreams. 

And is there any in the world, a person who has an intention to hurt such a wonderful friend, daughter, and sister like her ?

Then, someone has just lost a diamond on her hand  =)

a friend and a space

Bismillaahi,

In mass communication, i learn about non verbal symbol as a part of communication medias. There are many kinds of symbols that we can use, which have meaning and can be used to communicate in an implicit form. One of the form is about space. Space here, is a room that a person builds to make himself feel comfortable. In other words. . .a comfort zone.

That is why i do understand if there is someone who tries to make this space. It doesnt mean they don't trust us. Because, even though we are part of social communities, we consist of individual with different personalities and thoughts. And we need our own space or room to accommodate the things inside our self. We, sometimes need to be alone.

In a friendship is too. There are times when someone is in a condition which can't be solved by sharing. 

It is not about egoism, or trying to not prove a proverb which said "Sharing happiness will give you double happinesses. Sharing tears will ease your pain."

There is someone who told me long time ago "If you dont wanna get hurt or hurts. . .then dont tell bout it over and over. Let the things stay inside your self. And time will heal" 

Just the time is not right for now. Right? When something is not yet true. It is better to keep it to our own self, right? Cause i do too. That is why, pray for each other. 

Time or you. . .will tell. And all i want is. . .the best for you, and us.

You need a space...which you dont ask, but i have already given.

Dont worry, all is well =))

No. . .i dont give you up. I give you the space you need. I am here patiently waiting. . .what you will find

And lets we sing it for our own selves

May the angels protect me, trouble neglect me

And heaven accept me when it's time to go home

May i always have plenty, the glass never empty

And know in my belly, i am never alone

May my tears come from laughing, i find friends worth having

As every year passes, they mean more than gold

May i win and stay humble, smile more than grumble

And know when i stumble, i am never alone

Never alone, never alone

You'll be in every beat of my heart when i face the unknown

Wherever i fly this isn't goodbye

Your love will follow me, stay with me, baby, I am never alone

Well, You have to be honest as much as you wanted

You're not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow

So when hard times have found me and my fears surround me

Wrap your love around me, i am never alone

Never alone, never alone

You'll be in every beat of my heart when i face the unknown

Wherever i fly this isn't goodbye

Your love will follow me, stay with me, baby, I am never alone

my dream house

Bismillaahi,

Mom said that i had a bit creepy hobby. lol. Whenever we have a holiday, usually at sunday morning, i often will go with mom to some housing areas in my city. Even when i went to my Sist's city, i blamed her for not taking me around and staring big houses there (which i knew on the way she sent me back to the station. . .Errrr). Yes, what i mostly do are only looking around and wondering what kind of people live inside those buildings, what are their jobs so that they can make such beautiful houses. lol.

When we moved to this new house, i finally got my own room. Yessss. . .i didnt have it when we were in the old house. We used to sleeping together in front of the TV or in the only bed room that we shared together. (I do miss those moments actually =P). That's why i felt too excited and felt anxious to decorate my own room, my first room that i got after 20 years (toooo late =P, but i keep being thankful =D). But yeah, it wasn't that successful, because my dad keep telling me to not do this and that with my room =(. Heuu. . .that's why i really want to have my own house with my own decoration. one day. . .someday. inshaaAllaah. =D

There are many kind of house type that i wish i could have in the future. It doesnt have to be big, but comfortable and full of nice air circulation also a garden =D. Basically i love living in a rural area, which is still green and less polution. And mountain area is best as my opinion. =D. Some weeks ago i even went to mountain area near my city with my friend. We bought a half kilograms of strawberries (i almost ate all by my self!. . loveeeee it. lol) and of course, watching around many beautiful villas there. Oh, i really wanna have one. >,<

For now, i like the country house type. With timbers painted on alllll white color. With big windows and of course, yard and garden. =D. Here are the example of houses i took from my lovely aunt....yes, aunt google =P.

I like the big windows. It will let the sun light enter the rooms

Yes, a bench on the terrace would be great. I need a table now =P

See the background ! it's like on forest area, or near it. Oh it would be great at day time. But i can't conceal also, it is a bit scary at night. haha

Sweeeet house, with maple trees?? cmiiw. Those trees make a romantic view. =D

It would be great to have the bed room on the roof =D

Great idea to plant some sun flowers inside the house. love it =D

This is a lovely house. It would be nice to have one such this one. =D

This house is like a miniature of a kingdom palace. lol. Victorian style or whatever, with big pillars and wide windows =D

It is like a house type on the north america or Scotland ? Something near a cold area. love it. =D

Ok, now tell me which house that you think as best ? =D

I love to have white benches and a back yard like this =D. So lovely. =D

And it is part of the interior. Can you see the big glass doors and windows ? This is what i mean. Sun light can enter the room very well. So i dont need to turn on the lamps. haha

That's all about my dream house should be =P . And i think it would be best if i buid it on the north pole area. (igloo ??) hahaha